Monday, December 3, 2012
Losing Motivation...
It's been awhile and a lot has happened. I am officially/legally divorced. I was having a hard time with it but once I got passed my final hearing I actually felt a lot better. That wasn't the case leading up to that point. I was having bad dreams when I actually was able to sleep, I was worried because I really didn't know what to expect since we did all of this without lawyers, I was dealing with a lot of emotional issues and anger... It was just a bad time. I started neglecting my house, avoiding dealing with some of my sons behavior issues, and neglecting myself again. Totally backslid. I have binged a few times, I have skipped workouts, and basically let myself do things I previously refused to do anymore. (Funny thing is, I binged on healthy stuff to the point it wasn't healthy anymore. I didn't go out and cram cheeseburgers into my face.) I'm really trying to get my shit back together but am seriously lacking in motivation lately. I know that carrying on and taking care of myself are what's best for me but I just feel so blah lately. 3 pounds worth of blah and carelessness and I just feel yucky. I wish I could just kick myself in the ass and stay on track. I'm really trying to get back into goal mode. I don't want to feel or look like this. Major bad times are over and I'm free to move forward so why am I being such a lazy sack of shit right now??? Even as I speak I just feel lethargic and winded. I don't like it! I gotta get my shit together!!! I'm so close to breaking my first goal I can't drop anchor now. I need motivation! Help???
Saturday, October 20, 2012
BIG REVEAL...
(SO EMBARRASSING!)
Well, I know it's taken forever and I am already 1/2 way into my second cycle of month one of Insanity but here are my before and afters. Took me awhile to put them here on my blog because my littlest little likes to turn my computer on and off repeatedly and my computer malfunctions a buttload because of that. I lost the ones i had initially taken after a restoere so I had to have my dad take them again. (He's already busted the childproof lock I put on the cabinet. LOL)
DAY 1:
NOW:
My starting weight and BMI were 249.2 lbs/40.2. My weight and BMI at the end of the first cycle of Insanity was 218.8 lbs/35.3. And my current weight and BMI are 212.2 lbs/34.3.
I am very surprised at the difference. At first, I couldn't see anything. I guess we never really see ourselves as we are. When I was mega fat, i couldn't see it. Now that I've lost some weight, I still have problems seeing it in the mirror. These pics are the only things that show me what I'm doing is working. It's hard to be objective, I guess.
SIDE BY SIDE:
So there you have it. 37.1 lbs down. I still have about 62 lbs to go till I hit goal weight but I am very happy with my results thus far and am extremely confident that I will make it. I'm finally at a point in my life that I am ready for some positive, permanent changes and this is only the beginning... :)
Monday, October 8, 2012
Bad Day/ Bad Decisions/ Bad Feelings
Today I did one thing I promised myself I would not to. I let my anger jeopardize my goals. I cheated on my diet. I let my ex get to me and then proceeded to eat something I shouldn't have. Mind you, it would not have even been in my house had he not brought it here but I could have put it in the trash instead of my mouth.
My ex came over to visit my kids. He brought them junk food, as usual, cause he's the absentee "cool dad" while I'm the evil bitch who feeds my kids Veggies and makes them take multi-vitamins. I recently received our divorce paperwork back that had been filed and endorsed and gave him his copies plus our orders to attend legally mandated parenting classes regarding divorce. He decided to tell me he isn't going and they can't make him. Well, true, they can't "make him" but they can fine him and make stipulations that his visitation be supervised if he doesn't attend. In our state, unless waived for disability, it is legally mandatory to attend if ordered by a judge, which we were. He just got uppity with me and it really made me mad. I don't want him doing anything that can stall this divorce or cause the judge to decide it isn't non-contested. (He likes to lie and/or backtrack a lot, and most of the time it's for his own amusement and at someone else's expense. My biggest fear right now is he will do something to fuck this up because he knows I can't afford it and because he sees the kids as possessions instead of people who's best interests should be protected.) I have done everything with the divorce. The paperwork, the filing, fee waivers, child support appointments, etc. He acts extremely put out because he has to drive 40 minutes to come sign paperwork with a notary. For him to puff up his chest and start with his know-it-all attitude really makes me want to put his face through a wall. As usual he's sitting pretty while someone else is doing everything and the least he can do is go to one parenting class, for one hour with his god damned mouth shut. We could have been fucking rid of each other ages ago if he wasn't such a lazy prick!
Anyways, I ate 2 chicken nuggets and 4 French fries from McDonalds and I also had a piece of French bread. This probably doesn't seem like anything to you, and might border on ridiculous, but it bothers me. Not because of what it is but because of why I did it. I let someone who has jeopardized and ruined so much for me get to me to the point that I could have jeopardized my goals. I know it's not a major setback and I'm not going to gain 10 pounds over this. I know I can easily workout a little harder to eliminate the mistake. I just wished I hadn't let anything that this asshole said bother me in any way. I should know better by now that he is just a bad person who likes to bait and pick on people. I compromised something I want because I let his presence and his negativity have power over me.
In a perfect world, if I could keep him away forever, I totally would. Unfortunately, this world and situation are far from perfect and I'm not going to be the reason my kids have no relationship with their dad. He's ruining that all on his own and I won't ever have my kids look at me like it was my fault or think that I did something to keep their father away. The most I can hope for is that he'll lose interest and go away on his own and maybe one day I might possibly find a man that treats my kids and I the way we deserve to be treated. If not, nbd. I'm more than enough mommy and daddy for the both of them! One day, when they're grown, they'll see him for what he really is and realize that when he could have been there for them, he selfishly wasn't.
Anyways, I know I'm not super woman and mistakes happen but I don't want to be the person who says "Oh it's just a slip up, it happens." And then see that nothing happens from one mistake but then let myself have another slip, and another until I'm back at my heaviest wondering where I went wrong. I am a stress eater and I can definitely say that being married to him was a large factor in me getting as heavy as I did. I don't want to be that person anymore. I don't want to reach for crap to stuff into my gob every time something gets to me. One of my main motivations for pursuing my weight loss goals is to get back to where I was happy. To change my habits so I can lead a productive life again.
For the last 8 years, I have been completely alone. (One of these days, I'll post a blog on the details of my extremely unconventional marriage because I always really confuse people when discussing it.) I haven't been doing anything other than raising children, which I wouldn't change for the world, but I have no other identity besides being a mommy. I have no irl friends anymore and I stay home all the time. I love my kids and I wouldn't change being their mother for anything. At the same time, I would like to do more with myself than be constantly wiping tiny asses and cleaning my house all day long. I don't see anything happening for myself if I don't get healthy and fit. How can my mood or my outlook change if I can't get to a place where I truly love myself?
See what one little cheat can do for a person like me? It makes me question everything. It makes me feel guilty. It puts me in a position that makes me feel like a hypocrite because I hate seeing people cheat on diets and then allow themselves permission with excuses. Like I said, I could have thrown it in the trash and it is totally my fault. My ex pissed me off but I was the one who decided to eat something that was bad for me. (I didn't even really want it in the first place.) And no, it's not like I ate a whole pizza or drank a gallon of bacon grease. But is there really much of a difference? A compromise is still a compromise whether it's big or small.
My ex came over to visit my kids. He brought them junk food, as usual, cause he's the absentee "cool dad" while I'm the evil bitch who feeds my kids Veggies and makes them take multi-vitamins. I recently received our divorce paperwork back that had been filed and endorsed and gave him his copies plus our orders to attend legally mandated parenting classes regarding divorce. He decided to tell me he isn't going and they can't make him. Well, true, they can't "make him" but they can fine him and make stipulations that his visitation be supervised if he doesn't attend. In our state, unless waived for disability, it is legally mandatory to attend if ordered by a judge, which we were. He just got uppity with me and it really made me mad. I don't want him doing anything that can stall this divorce or cause the judge to decide it isn't non-contested. (He likes to lie and/or backtrack a lot, and most of the time it's for his own amusement and at someone else's expense. My biggest fear right now is he will do something to fuck this up because he knows I can't afford it and because he sees the kids as possessions instead of people who's best interests should be protected.) I have done everything with the divorce. The paperwork, the filing, fee waivers, child support appointments, etc. He acts extremely put out because he has to drive 40 minutes to come sign paperwork with a notary. For him to puff up his chest and start with his know-it-all attitude really makes me want to put his face through a wall. As usual he's sitting pretty while someone else is doing everything and the least he can do is go to one parenting class, for one hour with his god damned mouth shut. We could have been fucking rid of each other ages ago if he wasn't such a lazy prick!
Anyways, I ate 2 chicken nuggets and 4 French fries from McDonalds and I also had a piece of French bread. This probably doesn't seem like anything to you, and might border on ridiculous, but it bothers me. Not because of what it is but because of why I did it. I let someone who has jeopardized and ruined so much for me get to me to the point that I could have jeopardized my goals. I know it's not a major setback and I'm not going to gain 10 pounds over this. I know I can easily workout a little harder to eliminate the mistake. I just wished I hadn't let anything that this asshole said bother me in any way. I should know better by now that he is just a bad person who likes to bait and pick on people. I compromised something I want because I let his presence and his negativity have power over me.
In a perfect world, if I could keep him away forever, I totally would. Unfortunately, this world and situation are far from perfect and I'm not going to be the reason my kids have no relationship with their dad. He's ruining that all on his own and I won't ever have my kids look at me like it was my fault or think that I did something to keep their father away. The most I can hope for is that he'll lose interest and go away on his own and maybe one day I might possibly find a man that treats my kids and I the way we deserve to be treated. If not, nbd. I'm more than enough mommy and daddy for the both of them! One day, when they're grown, they'll see him for what he really is and realize that when he could have been there for them, he selfishly wasn't.
Anyways, I know I'm not super woman and mistakes happen but I don't want to be the person who says "Oh it's just a slip up, it happens." And then see that nothing happens from one mistake but then let myself have another slip, and another until I'm back at my heaviest wondering where I went wrong. I am a stress eater and I can definitely say that being married to him was a large factor in me getting as heavy as I did. I don't want to be that person anymore. I don't want to reach for crap to stuff into my gob every time something gets to me. One of my main motivations for pursuing my weight loss goals is to get back to where I was happy. To change my habits so I can lead a productive life again.
For the last 8 years, I have been completely alone. (One of these days, I'll post a blog on the details of my extremely unconventional marriage because I always really confuse people when discussing it.) I haven't been doing anything other than raising children, which I wouldn't change for the world, but I have no other identity besides being a mommy. I have no irl friends anymore and I stay home all the time. I love my kids and I wouldn't change being their mother for anything. At the same time, I would like to do more with myself than be constantly wiping tiny asses and cleaning my house all day long. I don't see anything happening for myself if I don't get healthy and fit. How can my mood or my outlook change if I can't get to a place where I truly love myself?
See what one little cheat can do for a person like me? It makes me question everything. It makes me feel guilty. It puts me in a position that makes me feel like a hypocrite because I hate seeing people cheat on diets and then allow themselves permission with excuses. Like I said, I could have thrown it in the trash and it is totally my fault. My ex pissed me off but I was the one who decided to eat something that was bad for me. (I didn't even really want it in the first place.) And no, it's not like I ate a whole pizza or drank a gallon of bacon grease. But is there really much of a difference? A compromise is still a compromise whether it's big or small.
Monday, October 1, 2012
Insanity (Cycle 1) Done!
I completed Insanity, from start to finish! I lost a total of 30.4lbs in 63 days. Unfortunately, I do not know how many inches because I did not take them in the beginning. I did, however, go from a tight size 22 jean size to a loose size 18 jean size, and my xl and xxl shirts are hanging off me like crazy when, sadly, they used to be tight. Here are some stats that I can give you from the day i finished, though...
SBMI: 40.2
CBMI: 35.3
GBMI: 22.5
SW: 249.2
CW: 218.8 (217.6 as of yesterday.)
GW1: 199
GW2: 160
UGW: 145/150
I am very very proud of myself. I still have quite a ways till I reach my goal but I will get there!
Right now, I'm a bit bloated from "lady bidness" but as soon as I'm not I will post my after photos. I've already started my second cycle of Insanity but I don't think it will affect the photos all that much. I'm really excited to see how much I'll lose this time around. I feel myself getting stronger and building endurance. (Had I not quit smoking and drinking 2 years ago, I may not have even been able to get to this point.) I feel like my life is finally starting to take a positive course. I'm fixing myself, my 6 year old is doing a lot better, my divorce will be final soon, I have more energy and drive to complete tasks and do do fun activities with my children. It's just amazing what has come from me deciding to embark on this journey.
If you can take away anything from reading this I hope it's that if i can so it, you can do it too! If you really want it and are ready for it, you can be the change that makes the difference in your own life no matter what anyone says!
SBMI: 40.2
CBMI: 35.3
GBMI: 22.5
SW: 249.2
CW: 218.8 (217.6 as of yesterday.)
GW1: 199
GW2: 160
UGW: 145/150
I am very very proud of myself. I still have quite a ways till I reach my goal but I will get there!
Right now, I'm a bit bloated from "lady bidness" but as soon as I'm not I will post my after photos. I've already started my second cycle of Insanity but I don't think it will affect the photos all that much. I'm really excited to see how much I'll lose this time around. I feel myself getting stronger and building endurance. (Had I not quit smoking and drinking 2 years ago, I may not have even been able to get to this point.) I feel like my life is finally starting to take a positive course. I'm fixing myself, my 6 year old is doing a lot better, my divorce will be final soon, I have more energy and drive to complete tasks and do do fun activities with my children. It's just amazing what has come from me deciding to embark on this journey.
If you can take away anything from reading this I hope it's that if i can so it, you can do it too! If you really want it and are ready for it, you can be the change that makes the difference in your own life no matter what anyone says!
Thursday, September 20, 2012
Trying to right the wrongness...
Lately, I have not been feeling well. :( During this last leg of Insanity I have found that I'm not able to keep up the way I was and its starting to feel like I have lead weights strapped to my legs. I don't know if this is normal or if this is what comes along with being so obese while doing a high impact workout. Some this is wrong with my left foot, my lower back to the left side, and my knees. I'll give you the skinny on each...
-Foot: I have a sharp stabbing pain in the center of my foot. Wrapping it made it hurt worse. Elevating it has done nothing. Ibuprofen doesn't help. Stretching it doesn't either. It hurts like a bitch. And it's random as hell. It doesn't bother me when I'm working out but burns when I'm sitting or walking normally.
-Back: It feels like I slipped a disk combined with sciatica. I've had my back go out before, slipped disks, and pinched nerves. These are all old problems that spawn from a horseback riding injury. They have always been amplified because of my weight. Now that I'm doing something to take the weight off and it's blowing up in my face.
-Knees: They get sore. (Obviously thats going to happen with nearly 75 lbs of unnecessary weight on them, but shit!) Not only that, they creak/grind/crunch. I actually took a video on my cell phone of me just bending and flexing my knee and it sounds like someone is grinding their teeth. I'm worried I'm wearing down my cartilage. I don't know if that's possible in only 2 months but it still scares me.
I am looking into a comprehensive wellness center for treatment and am going to call tomorrow to see if they accept my insurance. I hope I can be seen before I start Insanity over again in 2 weeks. I don't want to go and find out that I need to rest for a week or some shit and totally fuck up my progress. I don't really want to take it easy or slow either. That will just whittle down any endurance or strength that I have gained since starting my diet and exercise routine. Plus, I know resting on my ass, diet or not, will just start retaining weight again and that prospect sucks!
Besides those things, I think I might not be getting enough fiber or something is wrong with my plumbing. (TMI WARNING) Earlier today when I was peeing, my right side started hurting. Like a dull stabbing pain. Now it's just sore. And I'm also having some difficulty with #2 but that's gross and I don't want to go into detail about taking a dump. I just feel super bloated and nauseous and like I can't get everything out. It sucks and makes me feel like I'm carrying around 15 extra lbs.
I just generally feel like crap right now, when I should be feeling really good about myself. I have lost a tremendous amount of weight for such a short time and I feel like I can't enjoy it because something or other always hurts. It's a little discouraging.
I'm not going to give in though. I just want to get help and get all this crap fixed so I can carry on with my life and my weight loss. I guess it's just another obstacle I have to conquer. I know getting fit and healthy isn't easy. I just wish is wasn't so damn hard.
This is how I feel right now...
-Foot: I have a sharp stabbing pain in the center of my foot. Wrapping it made it hurt worse. Elevating it has done nothing. Ibuprofen doesn't help. Stretching it doesn't either. It hurts like a bitch. And it's random as hell. It doesn't bother me when I'm working out but burns when I'm sitting or walking normally.
-Back: It feels like I slipped a disk combined with sciatica. I've had my back go out before, slipped disks, and pinched nerves. These are all old problems that spawn from a horseback riding injury. They have always been amplified because of my weight. Now that I'm doing something to take the weight off and it's blowing up in my face.
-Knees: They get sore. (Obviously thats going to happen with nearly 75 lbs of unnecessary weight on them, but shit!) Not only that, they creak/grind/crunch. I actually took a video on my cell phone of me just bending and flexing my knee and it sounds like someone is grinding their teeth. I'm worried I'm wearing down my cartilage. I don't know if that's possible in only 2 months but it still scares me.
I am looking into a comprehensive wellness center for treatment and am going to call tomorrow to see if they accept my insurance. I hope I can be seen before I start Insanity over again in 2 weeks. I don't want to go and find out that I need to rest for a week or some shit and totally fuck up my progress. I don't really want to take it easy or slow either. That will just whittle down any endurance or strength that I have gained since starting my diet and exercise routine. Plus, I know resting on my ass, diet or not, will just start retaining weight again and that prospect sucks!
Besides those things, I think I might not be getting enough fiber or something is wrong with my plumbing. (TMI WARNING) Earlier today when I was peeing, my right side started hurting. Like a dull stabbing pain. Now it's just sore. And I'm also having some difficulty with #2 but that's gross and I don't want to go into detail about taking a dump. I just feel super bloated and nauseous and like I can't get everything out. It sucks and makes me feel like I'm carrying around 15 extra lbs.
I just generally feel like crap right now, when I should be feeling really good about myself. I have lost a tremendous amount of weight for such a short time and I feel like I can't enjoy it because something or other always hurts. It's a little discouraging.
I'm not going to give in though. I just want to get help and get all this crap fixed so I can carry on with my life and my weight loss. I guess it's just another obstacle I have to conquer. I know getting fit and healthy isn't easy. I just wish is wasn't so damn hard.
This is how I feel right now...
Friday, September 7, 2012
I can see the difference now...
So, I finally have my pictures from month one done. (Sorry it took forever. I had to go buy a new keyboard for my computer because mine totally crapped out and I couldn't log into my pc.) I am extremely surprised by the difference I can see now and very happy. Check em out...
Day 1 vs. Day 30
What do you all think??? Its been one month and I am sooooo proud of myself! I know I'm still really big but I'm on my way.
In other news, I experienced a weird setback this past week. About 4 days ago, my weight spiked 2.5 pounds for no reason. I did not cheat on my diet or do anything different other than start the 2nd month of Insanity. It really frustrated me and I'm still clueless as to what happened. My lersbian lovOAR suggested water weight from ovulation so there's a theory but I don't like it!!! It discouraged me so much that I have been obsessively weighing myself, which i know doesn't help anything. I guess I have to just deal with it and lose 2.5 lbs of mystery fat in addition to what I have left to lose.
I know that I'm going to have the occasional setback and that crap like this will happen but I guess I just figured it wouldn't if i was really good or it wouldn't be so soon. I hope this isn't something that regularly occurs with exercise. I get myself butthurt really easily and don't want to become too preoccupied with a pound or two when things like this happen. (I'm already way too concerned with my weight as it is and mostly not for the right reasons.) I think I need to hide my scale for a week.
Anyways, i have a couple questions for you other weight loss warriors...
1. My knee pain has gone away but I have developed a sharp nagging pain in my foot. It's persistent and has been bothering me for a week now. The only time it doesn't is when I'm working out. Any clues as to what it is? Or is it my foot just telling me to fuck off for putting so much strain on it lately?
2. Do you occasionally experience mystery setbacks? How do you cope with them without becoming obsessive?
3. I have been thinking of making myself a reward list. Like if I lose x amount of pounds, I get y gift. Is this good motivation or should I just strive for the weight loss itself. (My dad told me when I hit 200 lbs, he'd buy a new wardrobe. Then when I hit 150, he'd do it again.) I like the idea of rewards. Why do you think I put sparkly stickers on my calendar chart instead of marking days off with pen??? LOL, i just don't want to motivate myself for these things and then after I get them fall into the same bad habits.
4. I'm getting kinda tired of eating the same old stuff everyday. Anyone have any really good recipes or sites I can visit to find low carb/low fat/ low cal meal options? I've looked at a few but they seem to be following certain fad diet trends. I just want to eat as healthy as possible, considering I have to eat 5 times a day.
5. I know stress contributes to weight gain and increased cortisol levels. What do you do to unwind or de-stress? I have a short fuse and get pissed easily and frequently. I really want to work on this. Not only to benefit my weight loss but to have a happier home for my family. i would like in the moment suggestions as well as long term. Any thoughts???
Well, that's about it for now. If you don't want to post on here or IG, my email address is rubyknucklesinc@yahoo.com. Feel free to contact me with any suggestions you have. I'd really appreciate any input. :)
Friday, August 24, 2012
Made Month 1 My Bitch! Lol
Yay!!! I did it!!! I have completed the first month of Insanity and am well into the recovery week. It was hard but totally worth it!!! It was a total of 24 days, (actually 28 but you don't work out on Sundays.) I did it every day, through sickness and stress, no excuses. I have lost a total of 20.1 lbs putting me at 229.1lbs. I wish I had taken my body measurements before hand cause I can't really see a difference yet except in my face and calves. I dunno, maybe you will see when i post the 1st months comparison pictures.
The week I'm in is a recovery week. I guess it's supposed to cool you down but also make you a little soft so when you start the second month, you shock your body back into burn mode, or so they lead you to believe. It's just as hard, there are just more breaks. As for month 2, I'm kinda worried about that. The first week I was so sore, I don't want to go through that again.
I'm nervous and excited!!! I think I could lose up to 30-40lbs by the time I finish month 2. That would be flippin' amazeballs!!! I started out having to lose 99lbs and if I keep up with insanity and my diet, I could hit my goal in 5 more months. I know I'm getting ahead of myself and maybe being a little unrealistic but I'm really happy with what I am doing and it's been a long time since I've been proud of myself. I'm doing something positive in my life for myself after enduring a hard stretch of time.
I'm sure that there are some who would love to see me fail and some who are tired of my IG posts and blogs but I couldn't give two shits. I know people like that are either jealous, miserable, drama-seekers, or just can't stand to see anyone happy and I don't have a problem with it. I feel sorry for them and wish them the best. I don't need the drama and no one is going to bring me down anymore. I've lost quite a few friends on IG and from my BB days and I'm happy for the true ones i have left. And to have so many wonderful women rooting me on, you are not only helping me improve my outside. You're making a huge difference on my inside, so thank you!
Ok, enough of this mushy sheeeeit! Onwards and upwards, my friends! I really can't believe how well I'm doing. My yoga pants don't fit anymore and I've already had to buy smaller bras. It feels good and I'm doing it!!! I've been slacking on my blog lately so I promise to post a couple new photos for comparison from Day 1 till now this weekend. I've gotta go and do my workout in a few so I'm gonna eat and relax a bit. Until next time...
The week I'm in is a recovery week. I guess it's supposed to cool you down but also make you a little soft so when you start the second month, you shock your body back into burn mode, or so they lead you to believe. It's just as hard, there are just more breaks. As for month 2, I'm kinda worried about that. The first week I was so sore, I don't want to go through that again.
I'm nervous and excited!!! I think I could lose up to 30-40lbs by the time I finish month 2. That would be flippin' amazeballs!!! I started out having to lose 99lbs and if I keep up with insanity and my diet, I could hit my goal in 5 more months. I know I'm getting ahead of myself and maybe being a little unrealistic but I'm really happy with what I am doing and it's been a long time since I've been proud of myself. I'm doing something positive in my life for myself after enduring a hard stretch of time.
I'm sure that there are some who would love to see me fail and some who are tired of my IG posts and blogs but I couldn't give two shits. I know people like that are either jealous, miserable, drama-seekers, or just can't stand to see anyone happy and I don't have a problem with it. I feel sorry for them and wish them the best. I don't need the drama and no one is going to bring me down anymore. I've lost quite a few friends on IG and from my BB days and I'm happy for the true ones i have left. And to have so many wonderful women rooting me on, you are not only helping me improve my outside. You're making a huge difference on my inside, so thank you!
Ok, enough of this mushy sheeeeit! Onwards and upwards, my friends! I really can't believe how well I'm doing. My yoga pants don't fit anymore and I've already had to buy smaller bras. It feels good and I'm doing it!!! I've been slacking on my blog lately so I promise to post a couple new photos for comparison from Day 1 till now this weekend. I've gotta go and do my workout in a few so I'm gonna eat and relax a bit. Until next time...
Saturday, August 18, 2012
I'm not neglecting you. I swear!!!
Haven't been on in a few days cause its been a tad hectic here. My eldest started school again on Wednesday of last week and then on Thursday his coach cussed at him so i've been emailing the assistant principle and only received one response saying he'll look into it. My son also brought home a nasty cold from school that my little one and i caught instantaneously. Its horrible. Its like attack of the allergies but with dizziness and nausea. Totally sucks ass!!! I did not expect the school germs to be making us sick after the first 3 days of school. Also been trying to get Cpt. Dickhead to bring me his income papers that I need for the divorce. He pesters and bugs me for the divorce, even though I was the one who left him and asked/have been asking for the divorce since the July before last, but when child support or court fees come into the picture, he's nowhere to be found. (I shouldn't expect much from him. He hasn't done shit for me for 7 years so I don't know why I'm surprised.) Along with that, I've been shopping and running errands like mad so I have barely had a moment to myself. So now that I do, here's a brief update...
Anyways, yesterday was the 20th day of Insanity. I have lost 14 lbs so far. I'm really proud of myself. Some people thought I would give up after the first day. To you I say go suck a bag of dicks!!! To the lovely people supporting the shit outta me, I love you and it means the world to me to have such awesome people encouraging and inspiring me to become a better, healthier person!
Tonight I had a big meal, which I shouldn't have but it's because my son wasn't cooperating with me during homework time so we ended up eating very late and I was really hungry. I don't think it's a big setback but I sure don't want to make it a habit. Figured I'd tell you guys because I don't want you all to think I'm tight assed, goody two shoes, who never screws up. I ate healthy food, just a little more than I should have at a time that I shouldn't have.
In other news, my knees are getting better. They don't hurt anymore while working out or after. I've still had to go a little easy yesterday and today cause I'm sick but as soon as I'm over this crap, I'll be working out full throttle again. I have to admit though, I'm dreading the upcoming 2nd month of the program. I thought the shit I am doing was hard already but apparently month 2 is twice as bad. I'm ready for it, I think... Just scared.
So that's my scatterbrained update for now. I think I'm gonna crawl into a hot bath. I can't seem to bring my body temperature up and i'm freezing my culo off! I hate being sick!!! Maybe I can sweat some more of this crap out tomorrow when I workout. Laters...
Anyways, yesterday was the 20th day of Insanity. I have lost 14 lbs so far. I'm really proud of myself. Some people thought I would give up after the first day. To you I say go suck a bag of dicks!!! To the lovely people supporting the shit outta me, I love you and it means the world to me to have such awesome people encouraging and inspiring me to become a better, healthier person!
Tonight I had a big meal, which I shouldn't have but it's because my son wasn't cooperating with me during homework time so we ended up eating very late and I was really hungry. I don't think it's a big setback but I sure don't want to make it a habit. Figured I'd tell you guys because I don't want you all to think I'm tight assed, goody two shoes, who never screws up. I ate healthy food, just a little more than I should have at a time that I shouldn't have.
In other news, my knees are getting better. They don't hurt anymore while working out or after. I've still had to go a little easy yesterday and today cause I'm sick but as soon as I'm over this crap, I'll be working out full throttle again. I have to admit though, I'm dreading the upcoming 2nd month of the program. I thought the shit I am doing was hard already but apparently month 2 is twice as bad. I'm ready for it, I think... Just scared.
So that's my scatterbrained update for now. I think I'm gonna crawl into a hot bath. I can't seem to bring my body temperature up and i'm freezing my culo off! I hate being sick!!! Maybe I can sweat some more of this crap out tomorrow when I workout. Laters...
Monday, August 13, 2012
Fuck you, knees!!!
At 249.2 lbs, my blood work implied that my health was immaculate. No high blood-pressure, no pre-diabetes, no high cholesterol, etc. I was surprised to hear that. Thinking ahead of myself, I assumed that I could do anything I wanted since I was still considered "healthy". Boy was I wrong...
My knees hurt like a motherfucker!!! I have been doing Insanity for 15 days now (thirteen really since I don't factor in the Sunday's off.) Lugging around this lard for so long, It seemed to slip my mind that strenuous exercise would have an extreme impact on my joints.
I never thought that doing this would be to my knees, what hammering a steel spike into solid concrete is. I thought it would go away as I got used to the routine but it seems to be getting worse, even though I've modified some of the exercises. I know it's going to be that way till I reach a reasonable and safe weight.
So in my desperation to continue my Insanity workouts, I have started a cocktail of 800 mg ibuprofen, a multi-vitamin, and glucosamine and chondroitin. I bought pads to put under my rug while I work out. I am getting knee supports, and buying different sneakers with more cushion and shock absorption. I thinks that's all that I can do short of stopping and I'm not about to quit.
I had another fit test yesterday and it literally left me crying. Not only from the pain in my knees but from the fact that I couldn't make improvements in the jumping exercises. I've never felt so limited by my weight until now. I figured I could do everything if I really wanted to. (Fat Girl Delusion #1) I plan on using Insanity till I drop all the weight and tone my flabby ass. I'm not going to give up on this! I know a doctor would tell me to stop or take it easy but I can't. I know this is pig-headed and ill-advised but this is the one time I am going to be a stubborn asshole. I have to see it through. I have to do what I set out to do. Taking it easy isn't going to get me anywhere. I can take preventative measures and do things that support my standing weight better but I can't give up and stop because of pain. Nothing worthwhile comes without pain or sacrifice.
My knees hurt like a motherfucker!!! I have been doing Insanity for 15 days now (thirteen really since I don't factor in the Sunday's off.) Lugging around this lard for so long, It seemed to slip my mind that strenuous exercise would have an extreme impact on my joints.
I never thought that doing this would be to my knees, what hammering a steel spike into solid concrete is. I thought it would go away as I got used to the routine but it seems to be getting worse, even though I've modified some of the exercises. I know it's going to be that way till I reach a reasonable and safe weight.
So in my desperation to continue my Insanity workouts, I have started a cocktail of 800 mg ibuprofen, a multi-vitamin, and glucosamine and chondroitin. I bought pads to put under my rug while I work out. I am getting knee supports, and buying different sneakers with more cushion and shock absorption. I thinks that's all that I can do short of stopping and I'm not about to quit.
I had another fit test yesterday and it literally left me crying. Not only from the pain in my knees but from the fact that I couldn't make improvements in the jumping exercises. I've never felt so limited by my weight until now. I figured I could do everything if I really wanted to. (Fat Girl Delusion #1) I plan on using Insanity till I drop all the weight and tone my flabby ass. I'm not going to give up on this! I know a doctor would tell me to stop or take it easy but I can't. I know this is pig-headed and ill-advised but this is the one time I am going to be a stubborn asshole. I have to see it through. I have to do what I set out to do. Taking it easy isn't going to get me anywhere. I can take preventative measures and do things that support my standing weight better but I can't give up and stop because of pain. Nothing worthwhile comes without pain or sacrifice.
Thursday, August 9, 2012
(Set-Backs)
I'm getting a divorce. Usually, when I have to deal with something way beyond my emotional tolerance, I eat. And not something like a pint of ice-cream or sack of potato chips. I can inhale a whole extra large pizza by myself, wash it down with a liter of Dr. Pepper, and still want dessert. Gross, I know! I'm not proud of it. Well, with my impending divorce, I'm determined not to let this happen.
It's weird... It's not working with my husband (hasn't been for a very, very long time) and I am glad that it will finally be over but it's still sad. I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with this man but he just refused to grow up.
In the 7 1/2 years we've been together, my weight has yo-yoed, I have lost the confidence I had, and I let my appearance go to hell, for the most part. Having 2 kids, I don't really have a social life so I never really have a reason to get myself gussied up. My ex never complimented me or made me feel attractive so I stopped feeling like I was and slowly let my body match my mood... shitty.
I'm not going to let it happen anymore. I used to look really good (not being conceited) and I'm going to again. I'm not going to let this horrible situation define me or sidetrack me from my goals anymore. As bad as I want some mac n' cheese or a bulging foot-long hoagie, I want single digit sized jeans more.
Tuesday, August 7, 2012
As Promised...
Ok, so here are some before pictures. The beach ones were taken early June and the others 9 days ago. I'm feeling pretty apprehensive about posting them. This is mostly because they are very devastating and embarrassing for me to even look at, but I promised. I can't believe that I wasn't able to see how big I had let myself get but now I do and I am truly disgusted with myself. (The only thing I can think to call it is selective visual denial.) Its not only the weight, it's just the general neglect of my well-being. I haven't posted for a few days because i was thinking long and hard about these pictures. This is a public blog, anyone can view, and that leaves me open to ridicule and judgment. Why would I want to do that to myself? I decided that I had to because I have to say goodbye to the person in the photos and not hold onto the past. I am doing something now and I don't EVER want to be that person again. There's a stigma that comes with being overweight. You all have only ever seen my face till now so please don't be too harsh. I'm still the same on the inside. :(
Wednesday, August 1, 2012
I Feel Like I've Been Hit By A Bus!
OMGoodness! My calves and the area above my knees are so sore!!! It's so hard to even walk and I look like Frankenstein when I try. I had to take a dip in the pool yesterday, use my heating pad on them last night, take an 800mg ibuprofen today, and delay my workout for an hour. They're starting to feel a little better but Jesus! My body is resisting my brain. It wants to stay in its own fat little sedentary world. Too bad my brain has other plans. Gotta keep moving and push through it. I just can't remember ever being this sore and I have given birth twice and have 7 tattoos. Someone please tell me that the soreness goes away?!?
(Later that day... Lol)
Oh my god... Tried to eat eggs today for the protein. I took 3 Beano tablets before i ate but still ended up hunched over in pain and sick. It sucks cause I'm allergic to a lot of the foods that I can substitute for eggs.
I did my workout through the muscle pain this morning. After a little while I didn't even feel it anymore. (I feel it now though, lol.) I couldn't do two of the exercises today even though I tried. It's depressing but my big floppy gut was in the way. I couldn't put my knees where they were supposed to go. I modified it the best i could but I'm pretty sure the results intended were not the results achieved for those exercises. I know, eventually, I won't have to worry about that but it still made me feel bad. Even though there were a few set backs I still did the workout and finished it. Tonight, i'll be on another date with Mr. Heating Pad before bed with an early morning meeting with Mrs. Ibuprofen tomorrow.
On another note, my initial starting weight was incorrect. My scale is mega-crappy so it was off. I'm going to go by the weight I was at my last dental appointment 2 weeks ago. So my new starting weight is 249 instead of 245. It's only 4 lbs so I'm not bothered by it. I am getting a new scale though. I want to be as accurate as possible to make sure I'm not losing weight too fast or gaining from all the meals I have to eat. (And I especially don't want to be misleading on this blog!)
Which reminds me, I promise I will put up my before photos soon. I've been slacking on that so I'm sorry. I gotta sign off for now. My 6 year old is chattering away and agitating my 1 year old. Hope you all have a good night!
(Later that day... Lol)
Oh my god... Tried to eat eggs today for the protein. I took 3 Beano tablets before i ate but still ended up hunched over in pain and sick. It sucks cause I'm allergic to a lot of the foods that I can substitute for eggs.
I did my workout through the muscle pain this morning. After a little while I didn't even feel it anymore. (I feel it now though, lol.) I couldn't do two of the exercises today even though I tried. It's depressing but my big floppy gut was in the way. I couldn't put my knees where they were supposed to go. I modified it the best i could but I'm pretty sure the results intended were not the results achieved for those exercises. I know, eventually, I won't have to worry about that but it still made me feel bad. Even though there were a few set backs I still did the workout and finished it. Tonight, i'll be on another date with Mr. Heating Pad before bed with an early morning meeting with Mrs. Ibuprofen tomorrow.
On another note, my initial starting weight was incorrect. My scale is mega-crappy so it was off. I'm going to go by the weight I was at my last dental appointment 2 weeks ago. So my new starting weight is 249 instead of 245. It's only 4 lbs so I'm not bothered by it. I am getting a new scale though. I want to be as accurate as possible to make sure I'm not losing weight too fast or gaining from all the meals I have to eat. (And I especially don't want to be misleading on this blog!)
Which reminds me, I promise I will put up my before photos soon. I've been slacking on that so I'm sorry. I gotta sign off for now. My 6 year old is chattering away and agitating my 1 year old. Hope you all have a good night!
Tuesday, July 31, 2012
Oh fuuuuudddddddgggggggeeeeee......
I started Insanity yesterday. I did the fit test and it was harder than a drag queens wiener at a M.A.C. counter!!! But I did it!
I did day 2 this morning and I nearly started crying/hyperventilating in the middle of the workout. I did have to stop a few times, which is normal and suggested, but I did it!
I'm using the nutrition guide as well. The food is pretty good even though I have to eat soooo flippin much. I really thought it was no big deal and that I would still be hungry but hell no! I didn't even want to finish my sandwich the morning. (I did, though. Lol, old habits die hard.) And I have had nothing but water so far. I hope to drink one gallon a day.
So far, I'm sore as hell, I smell like a foot dipped in shit, I don't want to eat, and I'm still seriously lightheaded. But you know what??? IT FEELS FUCKING GREAT!!!
I'm not tired, I don't feel sluggish, I feel awake/alert, and I'm not in a foul mood like I usually am. I was still sweating my ass off an hour after I finished the DVD.
This is proving to me that nothing is impossible if you want it badly enough!!! I have been inspired by a few people but I actually took the initiative and motivated myself. When I wanted to stop in the workout I surprised myself. As cheesy and unbelievable as it sounds, instead of saying "Forget this shit!" when i felt like i was going to pass out, I said "I can do this!" and I kept going. It really is hard, I'm not going to lie. I'm a big old fat person so this is no fucking picnic for me but even the people in the video struggle and stop and they're fit as hell. You just have to ask yourself how badly you want it. I want this sooo bad I can taste it. It's bitter, salty, and resembles the flavor of balls but I WANT IT! And I will do it!!!
150lbs, here the fuck I come! WATCH OUT!!!
I did day 2 this morning and I nearly started crying/hyperventilating in the middle of the workout. I did have to stop a few times, which is normal and suggested, but I did it!
I'm using the nutrition guide as well. The food is pretty good even though I have to eat soooo flippin much. I really thought it was no big deal and that I would still be hungry but hell no! I didn't even want to finish my sandwich the morning. (I did, though. Lol, old habits die hard.) And I have had nothing but water so far. I hope to drink one gallon a day.
So far, I'm sore as hell, I smell like a foot dipped in shit, I don't want to eat, and I'm still seriously lightheaded. But you know what??? IT FEELS FUCKING GREAT!!!
I'm not tired, I don't feel sluggish, I feel awake/alert, and I'm not in a foul mood like I usually am. I was still sweating my ass off an hour after I finished the DVD.
This is proving to me that nothing is impossible if you want it badly enough!!! I have been inspired by a few people but I actually took the initiative and motivated myself. When I wanted to stop in the workout I surprised myself. As cheesy and unbelievable as it sounds, instead of saying "Forget this shit!" when i felt like i was going to pass out, I said "I can do this!" and I kept going. It really is hard, I'm not going to lie. I'm a big old fat person so this is no fucking picnic for me but even the people in the video struggle and stop and they're fit as hell. You just have to ask yourself how badly you want it. I want this sooo bad I can taste it. It's bitter, salty, and resembles the flavor of balls but I WANT IT! And I will do it!!!
150lbs, here the fuck I come! WATCH OUT!!!
Sunday, July 29, 2012
Hey, Hey, Hey...
Tomorrow is the big day! I will finally start my diet and begin Insanity. I shouldn't really call it a diet since I am hoping to adopt lifelong habits that will keep me fit and healthy.
I kinda got some perspective as to we're I have been heading today. I figured I would eat junk one last time as a farewell. I ate pizza and a slice of red velvet cake. (Ugh, I'm not even gonna say how many pieces of pizza I ate. Bleck!) I admit they we're good but I felt so sick and weighed down after. It tastes so good when I'm stuffing my gob but after I feel disgusting, nauseous, and guilty. It really was bad! After that meal, I'm pretty sure I'm not going to be missing out on much when I'm thinner and fitter.
Then, I took my "before" photos. They seriously made me wanna barf and then beat the shit out of myself for letting me get this fuckin fat! I let my gut hang out and everything. (Don't worry, I will put them up on here once upload them to my pc.) Just call me Moby Dick, the great white whale. And I have cankles and bingo wings!!! I'm only 30 for Christ sakes! I can't keep going on like this if I want to have any sort of descent life. (Seriously, I look like an albino version of Fat Albert!)
Anyways, enough self-deprecation. Tomorrow is a new day! I went grocery shopping today and my dad got me a new pair of sneakers as encouragement. I also got a heart rate monitor. I want to make sure I'm pushing myself as hard as I can but I'm not hurting myself. (I passed out once in high-impact step aerobics because I went balls out and pushed myself way beyond my means.)
My groceries consist mostly of fresh fruits and vegetables, lean meats, high protein/low fat foods. A lot of stuff I normally don't eat is now in my kitchen. We generally eat healthy meals but have snacks that wouldn't be considered wholesome. I also have an extreme sensitivity to the albumin in eggs so I don't eat them. My dad and kids do but I haven't been physically able to for years. Its to the point where I have been bed ridden from pain just trying to eat eggs alone and I get bad gas. Yes, I know tmi but I have a point. I bought Beano (Go ahead and laugh.) to try to acclimate myself to eating eggs again because I need the protein. I can't do this with all the foods I'm allergic to but I figured I could try with the eggs. Why the hell have chickens for fresh organic eggs if I can't even eat any of them?
I'm hoping I can incorporate my diet changes into how I prepare family meals. My eldest loves to boast that he doesn't eat vegetables like its cool. I don't know who he's trying to impress. It bugs the crap out of me because I didn't teach him that and I make sure that even though he gets junk food occasionally that he takes multivitamins, eats fruits & veggies, and drinks milk. My little one seems as though he's starting to become picky as to what he eats as well. He's still breastfeeding at 17 months so I'm not worried about him losing weight or anything like that, I just don't want him to pick up bad habits so early. I am so thankful that he's still on the boob but how great can the quality of my milk be if I eat crap? He's started rejecting veggies lately and I don't know if that's cause he's teething or if he thinks they suck ass. I just figured I need to make better decisions for all of us. Why should I feed myself things I wouldn't feed my kids and visa versa???
Well, I'm pretty sure I'm just rambling so i'll cram it for now. Hope this post isn't too all over the place. Just wanted to keep you updated but I gotta wash dishes and get ready for bed. Nighty night!
I kinda got some perspective as to we're I have been heading today. I figured I would eat junk one last time as a farewell. I ate pizza and a slice of red velvet cake. (Ugh, I'm not even gonna say how many pieces of pizza I ate. Bleck!) I admit they we're good but I felt so sick and weighed down after. It tastes so good when I'm stuffing my gob but after I feel disgusting, nauseous, and guilty. It really was bad! After that meal, I'm pretty sure I'm not going to be missing out on much when I'm thinner and fitter.
Then, I took my "before" photos. They seriously made me wanna barf and then beat the shit out of myself for letting me get this fuckin fat! I let my gut hang out and everything. (Don't worry, I will put them up on here once upload them to my pc.) Just call me Moby Dick, the great white whale. And I have cankles and bingo wings!!! I'm only 30 for Christ sakes! I can't keep going on like this if I want to have any sort of descent life. (Seriously, I look like an albino version of Fat Albert!)
Anyways, enough self-deprecation. Tomorrow is a new day! I went grocery shopping today and my dad got me a new pair of sneakers as encouragement. I also got a heart rate monitor. I want to make sure I'm pushing myself as hard as I can but I'm not hurting myself. (I passed out once in high-impact step aerobics because I went balls out and pushed myself way beyond my means.)
My groceries consist mostly of fresh fruits and vegetables, lean meats, high protein/low fat foods. A lot of stuff I normally don't eat is now in my kitchen. We generally eat healthy meals but have snacks that wouldn't be considered wholesome. I also have an extreme sensitivity to the albumin in eggs so I don't eat them. My dad and kids do but I haven't been physically able to for years. Its to the point where I have been bed ridden from pain just trying to eat eggs alone and I get bad gas. Yes, I know tmi but I have a point. I bought Beano (Go ahead and laugh.) to try to acclimate myself to eating eggs again because I need the protein. I can't do this with all the foods I'm allergic to but I figured I could try with the eggs. Why the hell have chickens for fresh organic eggs if I can't even eat any of them?
I'm hoping I can incorporate my diet changes into how I prepare family meals. My eldest loves to boast that he doesn't eat vegetables like its cool. I don't know who he's trying to impress. It bugs the crap out of me because I didn't teach him that and I make sure that even though he gets junk food occasionally that he takes multivitamins, eats fruits & veggies, and drinks milk. My little one seems as though he's starting to become picky as to what he eats as well. He's still breastfeeding at 17 months so I'm not worried about him losing weight or anything like that, I just don't want him to pick up bad habits so early. I am so thankful that he's still on the boob but how great can the quality of my milk be if I eat crap? He's started rejecting veggies lately and I don't know if that's cause he's teething or if he thinks they suck ass. I just figured I need to make better decisions for all of us. Why should I feed myself things I wouldn't feed my kids and visa versa???
Well, I'm pretty sure I'm just rambling so i'll cram it for now. Hope this post isn't too all over the place. Just wanted to keep you updated but I gotta wash dishes and get ready for bed. Nighty night!
Friday, July 27, 2012
Roll Call...
This is a list of some of the methods I have tried, temporarily succeeded with, and failed to lose weight with. Figured I'd share so you all would know I'm not blowing smoke up your ass when I say I have tried everything.
- South Beach Diet (30lbs lost)
- Rx Phentermine w/ Calorie Counting, Portion Control, Alli Supplements and Walking (50lbs lost)
- Slim Fast and Starvation and Swimming (30lbs lost)
- Metaformin and Armor Thyroid (15lbs lost)
- Walking and Diet/Portion Control (15lbs lost)
- Surgery Diet (10lbs lost)
- Apple Cider Vinegar Cleanse (0lbs lost)
- Dexatrim (0lbs lost)
- Protein Boost Diet (Gained 6lbs)
- Gym 30-45 Minutes Daily for 5 Months (12lbs lost)
- Glycemic Index Diet (0lbs lost)
- Low Carb/No Sugar Diet (18lbs lost)
- Swimming (EOD) 2 months (10lbs lost)
-Alli Weight Loss Supplements alone (15lbs lost)
These are just some of the things I have done over the last 10-15 years that I can recall offhand. (I'm positive there were many more.) Some had amazing results but plateaued. Some sucked and made me sick. Some i just quit because i got lazy. One i gave up on because of the depression i fell into after my sister-in-law died. And a couple were nothing more than gimmicky bullshit that wasted my time.
This little list can give some people a good I idea as to what I've put my body through over the years. Nothing had lasting result cause I never kept pushing. (One actually caused me physical detriment that I had to see a cardiologist over.) I did these things with a short term goal in mind and not a life change. It's been really hard to get so close to a goal and the flush it all down the toilet or let personal struggles and tragedies cloud what was important.
I'm 245lbs now so you can see that nothing lasts without persistence and constant work.
- South Beach Diet (30lbs lost)
- Rx Phentermine w/ Calorie Counting, Portion Control, Alli Supplements and Walking (50lbs lost)
- Slim Fast and Starvation and Swimming (30lbs lost)
- Metaformin and Armor Thyroid (15lbs lost)
- Walking and Diet/Portion Control (15lbs lost)
- Surgery Diet (10lbs lost)
- Apple Cider Vinegar Cleanse (0lbs lost)
- Dexatrim (0lbs lost)
- Protein Boost Diet (Gained 6lbs)
- Gym 30-45 Minutes Daily for 5 Months (12lbs lost)
- Glycemic Index Diet (0lbs lost)
- Low Carb/No Sugar Diet (18lbs lost)
- Swimming (EOD) 2 months (10lbs lost)
-Alli Weight Loss Supplements alone (15lbs lost)
These are just some of the things I have done over the last 10-15 years that I can recall offhand. (I'm positive there were many more.) Some had amazing results but plateaued. Some sucked and made me sick. Some i just quit because i got lazy. One i gave up on because of the depression i fell into after my sister-in-law died. And a couple were nothing more than gimmicky bullshit that wasted my time.
This little list can give some people a good I idea as to what I've put my body through over the years. Nothing had lasting result cause I never kept pushing. (One actually caused me physical detriment that I had to see a cardiologist over.) I did these things with a short term goal in mind and not a life change. It's been really hard to get so close to a goal and the flush it all down the toilet or let personal struggles and tragedies cloud what was important.
I'm 245lbs now so you can see that nothing lasts without persistence and constant work.
It's only 2 months...
Sooooo, a couple months ago, in one of my insomnia-induced tv trances, I stumbled upon a infomercial that has haunted my fat ass like no other. INSANITY! For an hour, I sat and watched this sweat-drenched, chocolate, titan bounce around the screen telling me to "dig deeper" and that he could help me look like a better version of myself. I was like "FUCK YEAH! LET'S DO THIS!" I seriously got way too excited and spilled my water all over my crotch trying to grab my phone to order. Then I saw the price and was like "Oh well, nevermind. Now where's that candy bar?"
After that, i have repeatedly been told that it's impossible and no one really ever gets through it. (Why are people so negative??? Whats the point of discouraging someone who wasn't going to do it in the 1st place? Buttholes!) Still, I couldn't shake the what-ifs. I seriously became obsessed with the infomercial to the point that I would auto tune it on my cable box. Psycho much?
I started going online looking at before and after photos, reading success stories, and watching transformation videos on YouTube. I got to the point where I started telling myself "What the hell is wrong with you? Buy it fucktard!" Everything I was exposing myself to was telling me that I NEEDED these DVDs. Price be damned. And it's not like I can't afford them. I don't hardly ever spend money on myself. If they could motivate me to change my life then they would be worth every penny, right???
So after a while, I told a couple friends, who I love and couldn't live without (shout-out bitches!), that I was thinking about trying insanity but was scared and worried about the cost. One friend offered to lend me the DVDs. I was like "Awesome! Thanks!" but deep down inside something started stirring. My inner fat kid (not much different from the outer one, I just have bigger boobs and a deeper voice) started shitting bricks. This was becoming a reality and no matter how gung ho I was getting something was dead set on holding me back. Some small, fucked up, part of my mind was saying "You can't do it!" Money was my first excuse. Now Mind Fatty (that's what we'll call her) was throwing in that it will hurt cause the lard I've been lugging around for the better part of a decade has jacked up my joints. Then she threw in a little "You won't have time!" And she seemed extremely partial to a "You're not going to be able to keep up./ It'll be too tiring!" combo. It was becoming too much and I was starting to chicken out again.
Then...
My crazy ass, overly cynical, slightly disturbed, set-in-his-bitter-old-fucking-ways, dad joined me in watching the infomercial. He usually changes the channel or just yells bullshit, among other profanities and slurs at the television, but he sat there quietly and watched. I noticed him watching it and then watching me so I started talking to him about it. I don't know if he was impressed by my enthusiasm or if he genuinely believed that these DVDs could help me but he was extremely supportive and told me to go for it! He knows I've struggled with my weight the majority of my life. His positivity caught me off guard and gave me the shove I needed. He's usually grumpy, yelling at inanimate objects, cursing god, or ready to choke the invisible motherfucker that follows him around showering him with shitty luck but at that moment he was doing what good dads do. Supporting me whether he thought it was a crock of shit or not.
Then... (Lol)
I closed my eyes and told that bitch Mind Fatty to go fuck herself! I can do it! It will hurt! Most worthwhile things do! I have more than enough time. I'm a stay at home mom who usually sleeps till noon when my 6 year old isn't in school. My house is usually clean and my kids are tended to so
how the hell will I not have time??? I have time to sit on the couch and obsessively watch the same infomercial over and over again, don't I? It will be tiring and maybe I won't be able to keep up but I will never know unless I try. Even if I can't keep up, I can build up my stamina and endurance until I can. I just had to give myself some serious perspective to get past all the shit I was using to hold myself back.
What has made the most difference is that I was thinking about the end instead of the beginning. I kept focusing on what I want instead of what I need. I want an easy solution and a hot body without absolutely no effort. How realistic is that? Might as well ask for a million dollars while I'm at it. What I need is something I have to bust my ass for and earn. Something that hurts but shows me results.
So I called and ordered the dvds. (I thought i wouldn't hold myself as accountable if i borrowed them and could return them anytime if i just gave up.) They actually arrived this afternoon. I haven't watched them and don't plan on doing them till Monday. I'm going to do some serious stretching over the weekend to help my body prepare. I know I'm going to be sore as hell so might as well give myself a little head start. I also have to go get some groceries so I can follow the nutritional guide that came in the package. It looks super legit and makes a lot of sense. Right now, more than anything, I'm building myself up and trying to boost my confidence. I know I can get through these DVDs. If I puke on myself, pee on myself, cry hysterically, end up a partial cripple from soreness, etc. I will crawl over broken glass if I have to, to push play on the DVD player everyday!
Even if this shit doesn't work, it's only 2 months...
After that, i have repeatedly been told that it's impossible and no one really ever gets through it. (Why are people so negative??? Whats the point of discouraging someone who wasn't going to do it in the 1st place? Buttholes!) Still, I couldn't shake the what-ifs. I seriously became obsessed with the infomercial to the point that I would auto tune it on my cable box. Psycho much?
I started going online looking at before and after photos, reading success stories, and watching transformation videos on YouTube. I got to the point where I started telling myself "What the hell is wrong with you? Buy it fucktard!" Everything I was exposing myself to was telling me that I NEEDED these DVDs. Price be damned. And it's not like I can't afford them. I don't hardly ever spend money on myself. If they could motivate me to change my life then they would be worth every penny, right???
So after a while, I told a couple friends, who I love and couldn't live without (shout-out bitches!), that I was thinking about trying insanity but was scared and worried about the cost. One friend offered to lend me the DVDs. I was like "Awesome! Thanks!" but deep down inside something started stirring. My inner fat kid (not much different from the outer one, I just have bigger boobs and a deeper voice) started shitting bricks. This was becoming a reality and no matter how gung ho I was getting something was dead set on holding me back. Some small, fucked up, part of my mind was saying "You can't do it!" Money was my first excuse. Now Mind Fatty (that's what we'll call her) was throwing in that it will hurt cause the lard I've been lugging around for the better part of a decade has jacked up my joints. Then she threw in a little "You won't have time!" And she seemed extremely partial to a "You're not going to be able to keep up./ It'll be too tiring!" combo. It was becoming too much and I was starting to chicken out again.
Then...
My crazy ass, overly cynical, slightly disturbed, set-in-his-bitter-old-fucking-ways, dad joined me in watching the infomercial. He usually changes the channel or just yells bullshit, among other profanities and slurs at the television, but he sat there quietly and watched. I noticed him watching it and then watching me so I started talking to him about it. I don't know if he was impressed by my enthusiasm or if he genuinely believed that these DVDs could help me but he was extremely supportive and told me to go for it! He knows I've struggled with my weight the majority of my life. His positivity caught me off guard and gave me the shove I needed. He's usually grumpy, yelling at inanimate objects, cursing god, or ready to choke the invisible motherfucker that follows him around showering him with shitty luck but at that moment he was doing what good dads do. Supporting me whether he thought it was a crock of shit or not.
Then... (Lol)
I closed my eyes and told that bitch Mind Fatty to go fuck herself! I can do it! It will hurt! Most worthwhile things do! I have more than enough time. I'm a stay at home mom who usually sleeps till noon when my 6 year old isn't in school. My house is usually clean and my kids are tended to so
how the hell will I not have time??? I have time to sit on the couch and obsessively watch the same infomercial over and over again, don't I? It will be tiring and maybe I won't be able to keep up but I will never know unless I try. Even if I can't keep up, I can build up my stamina and endurance until I can. I just had to give myself some serious perspective to get past all the shit I was using to hold myself back.
What has made the most difference is that I was thinking about the end instead of the beginning. I kept focusing on what I want instead of what I need. I want an easy solution and a hot body without absolutely no effort. How realistic is that? Might as well ask for a million dollars while I'm at it. What I need is something I have to bust my ass for and earn. Something that hurts but shows me results.
So I called and ordered the dvds. (I thought i wouldn't hold myself as accountable if i borrowed them and could return them anytime if i just gave up.) They actually arrived this afternoon. I haven't watched them and don't plan on doing them till Monday. I'm going to do some serious stretching over the weekend to help my body prepare. I know I'm going to be sore as hell so might as well give myself a little head start. I also have to go get some groceries so I can follow the nutritional guide that came in the package. It looks super legit and makes a lot of sense. Right now, more than anything, I'm building myself up and trying to boost my confidence. I know I can get through these DVDs. If I puke on myself, pee on myself, cry hysterically, end up a partial cripple from soreness, etc. I will crawl over broken glass if I have to, to push play on the DVD player everyday!
Even if this shit doesn't work, it's only 2 months...
Wednesday, July 25, 2012
Introductions...
My name is Raven and I'm fat! Not skinny girl, pinch-a-piece-of-skin, cute, fat. I am what is known, and clinically classified, as morbidly obese. Nice name, huh? Basically, "You're gonna fucking die!" fat. I haven't always been this way but I have never been fit either. I just turned 30 years old, 5'5.5", and am currently tipping the scales at 245lbs. My current BMI is 32 and i need to drop a whole small person (approx. 90lbs) to get to some semblance of healthy. Now, I could blame this on many things... I had my second child in 2011, I have a slow metabolism, I can't find the time to work out, blah blah blah. The truth is I don't exercise and instead of eating regular meals, I snack all day and eat only one meal in the evening. (Medically speaking, though, I do believe I need to have my thyroid tested. I have very little energy, physical symptoms of hypothyroidism, and insomnia/sleep disturbances.)
That aside, I have just let myself go. It's not that I don't care about my appearance, because what woman, at any age, doesn't??? Anyone can say "I'm just happy to be me." but deep inside everyone wants to feel like they are pretty or thin, or that they somewhat fit into the niche of what society considers desirable and attractive. In all honesty, I always wanted to be the girl that everyone is jealous of and all the guys chase. Now that I've grown up a bit, i want to be the girl you don't see coming. The one that you see Mrs. Perfect lose the hot, yet sensitive and loyal, man to, lol.
Besides all this vanity, I want to be around till I'm a batshit crazy, old, cat lady. More for my kids than anything. I have 2 little boys, aged 6 1/2 and 17 months, that I have trouble keeping up with. I am separated, waiting for a divorce, from their dad and have been taking care of them by myself basically since they were born. It has never been a happy marriage or pleasant family situation. All they really have is me, and I them. What's gonna happen to my kiddos if I can't get my shit together and do something to improve my health??? Ugh, I don't even want to think about that! If I don't do something now, best bet is I will keep gaining and probably shorten my lifespan about 20-40 years. Not only will I be doing that but I'll be short changing my kids big time! How many years do I have left to teach them things and play and interact with them before they turn into grouchy, butthole, teenagers who don't want to be seen with their mother, lol. It's such a short time till babies turn into men with their own lives and families. And they don't really have a father to do active things with. (They have their Grandpa but he's 75 years old and there is only so much he can give. Believe me, that stubborn old man tries his damnedest, though!)
There's so many reasons for me to change my current situation and not one to keep it the same. It's time to overhaul my life. To adopt new habits! To get my lard ass off the damn couch! To buy a super-skinny, tight pair of retardedly expensive jeans and be able to get the legs on past my thighs! To be able to spin in circles with my excessively hyper 6 year old and not puke all over myself or pass out! To make the girls who made fun of me in high school, yet weigh almost as much as I do now, feel like total shitbags! To eat for sustenance not boredom! To be able to chase my little baby around the house when he tugs on me to play with him. And most importantly, to let the trapped person I really am out of this prison of a body. I don't want to look like anyone but me. Just the healthy and exuberant me that has been banging a can on bars made of cellulite for the last 10 years. It's a new year and God damn it, I WILL LOSE WEIGHT!!!
That aside, I have just let myself go. It's not that I don't care about my appearance, because what woman, at any age, doesn't??? Anyone can say "I'm just happy to be me." but deep inside everyone wants to feel like they are pretty or thin, or that they somewhat fit into the niche of what society considers desirable and attractive. In all honesty, I always wanted to be the girl that everyone is jealous of and all the guys chase. Now that I've grown up a bit, i want to be the girl you don't see coming. The one that you see Mrs. Perfect lose the hot, yet sensitive and loyal, man to, lol.
Besides all this vanity, I want to be around till I'm a batshit crazy, old, cat lady. More for my kids than anything. I have 2 little boys, aged 6 1/2 and 17 months, that I have trouble keeping up with. I am separated, waiting for a divorce, from their dad and have been taking care of them by myself basically since they were born. It has never been a happy marriage or pleasant family situation. All they really have is me, and I them. What's gonna happen to my kiddos if I can't get my shit together and do something to improve my health??? Ugh, I don't even want to think about that! If I don't do something now, best bet is I will keep gaining and probably shorten my lifespan about 20-40 years. Not only will I be doing that but I'll be short changing my kids big time! How many years do I have left to teach them things and play and interact with them before they turn into grouchy, butthole, teenagers who don't want to be seen with their mother, lol. It's such a short time till babies turn into men with their own lives and families. And they don't really have a father to do active things with. (They have their Grandpa but he's 75 years old and there is only so much he can give. Believe me, that stubborn old man tries his damnedest, though!)
There's so many reasons for me to change my current situation and not one to keep it the same. It's time to overhaul my life. To adopt new habits! To get my lard ass off the damn couch! To buy a super-skinny, tight pair of retardedly expensive jeans and be able to get the legs on past my thighs! To be able to spin in circles with my excessively hyper 6 year old and not puke all over myself or pass out! To make the girls who made fun of me in high school, yet weigh almost as much as I do now, feel like total shitbags! To eat for sustenance not boredom! To be able to chase my little baby around the house when he tugs on me to play with him. And most importantly, to let the trapped person I really am out of this prison of a body. I don't want to look like anyone but me. Just the healthy and exuberant me that has been banging a can on bars made of cellulite for the last 10 years. It's a new year and God damn it, I WILL LOSE WEIGHT!!!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)