Today I did one thing I promised myself I would not to. I let my anger jeopardize my goals. I cheated on my diet. I let my ex get to me and then proceeded to eat something I shouldn't have. Mind you, it would not have even been in my house had he not brought it here but I could have put it in the trash instead of my mouth.
My ex came over to visit my kids. He brought them junk food, as usual, cause he's the absentee "cool dad" while I'm the evil bitch who feeds my kids Veggies and makes them take multi-vitamins. I recently received our divorce paperwork back that had been filed and endorsed and gave him his copies plus our orders to attend legally mandated parenting classes regarding divorce. He decided to tell me he isn't going and they can't make him. Well, true, they can't "make him" but they can fine him and make stipulations that his visitation be supervised if he doesn't attend. In our state, unless waived for disability, it is legally mandatory to attend if ordered by a judge, which we were. He just got uppity with me and it really made me mad. I don't want him doing anything that can stall this divorce or cause the judge to decide it isn't non-contested. (He likes to lie and/or backtrack a lot, and most of the time it's for his own amusement and at someone else's expense. My biggest fear right now is he will do something to fuck this up because he knows I can't afford it and because he sees the kids as possessions instead of people who's best interests should be protected.) I have done everything with the divorce. The paperwork, the filing, fee waivers, child support appointments, etc. He acts extremely put out because he has to drive 40 minutes to come sign paperwork with a notary. For him to puff up his chest and start with his know-it-all attitude really makes me want to put his face through a wall. As usual he's sitting pretty while someone else is doing everything and the least he can do is go to one parenting class, for one hour with his god damned mouth shut. We could have been fucking rid of each other ages ago if he wasn't such a lazy prick!
Anyways, I ate 2 chicken nuggets and 4 French fries from McDonalds and I also had a piece of French bread. This probably doesn't seem like anything to you, and might border on ridiculous, but it bothers me. Not because of what it is but because of why I did it. I let someone who has jeopardized and ruined so much for me get to me to the point that I could have jeopardized my goals. I know it's not a major setback and I'm not going to gain 10 pounds over this. I know I can easily workout a little harder to eliminate the mistake. I just wished I hadn't let anything that this asshole said bother me in any way. I should know better by now that he is just a bad person who likes to bait and pick on people. I compromised something I want because I let his presence and his negativity have power over me.
In a perfect world, if I could keep him away forever, I totally would. Unfortunately, this world and situation are far from perfect and I'm not going to be the reason my kids have no relationship with their dad. He's ruining that all on his own and I won't ever have my kids look at me like it was my fault or think that I did something to keep their father away. The most I can hope for is that he'll lose interest and go away on his own and maybe one day I might possibly find a man that treats my kids and I the way we deserve to be treated. If not, nbd. I'm more than enough mommy and daddy for the both of them! One day, when they're grown, they'll see him for what he really is and realize that when he could have been there for them, he selfishly wasn't.
Anyways, I know I'm not super woman and mistakes happen but I don't want to be the person who says "Oh it's just a slip up, it happens." And then see that nothing happens from one mistake but then let myself have another slip, and another until I'm back at my heaviest wondering where I went wrong. I am a stress eater and I can definitely say that being married to him was a large factor in me getting as heavy as I did. I don't want to be that person anymore. I don't want to reach for crap to stuff into my gob every time something gets to me. One of my main motivations for pursuing my weight loss goals is to get back to where I was happy. To change my habits so I can lead a productive life again.
For the last 8 years, I have been completely alone. (One of these days, I'll post a blog on the details of my extremely unconventional marriage because I always really confuse people when discussing it.) I haven't been doing anything other than raising children, which I wouldn't change for the world, but I have no other identity besides being a mommy. I have no irl friends anymore and I stay home all the time. I love my kids and I wouldn't change being their mother for anything. At the same time, I would like to do more with myself than be constantly wiping tiny asses and cleaning my house all day long. I don't see anything happening for myself if I don't get healthy and fit. How can my mood or my outlook change if I can't get to a place where I truly love myself?
See what one little cheat can do for a person like me? It makes me question everything. It makes me feel guilty. It puts me in a position that makes me feel like a hypocrite because I hate seeing people cheat on diets and then allow themselves permission with excuses. Like I said, I could have thrown it in the trash and it is totally my fault. My ex pissed me off but I was the one who decided to eat something that was bad for me. (I didn't even really want it in the first place.) And no, it's not like I ate a whole pizza or drank a gallon of bacon grease. But is there really much of a difference? A compromise is still a compromise whether it's big or small.
