1st blog of 2013 - Uh oh...

Ok... So since Thanksgiving, I have pretty much stopped working out and dieting. Like totally fucking flaked on everything. I haven't weighed myself since before Christmas but I'm pretty sure I've gained 6-10 lbs back. I'm not proud but I'm not upset either. Insanity started getting really boring, I have been going through some personal family shit, and I just plain needed a me break. Should I have gone overboard just cause its the holidays and I was feeling bad? No, but what am I gonna do? Cry and make excuses? No! I stuffed my face cause I wanted to. Now that its out of my system, I can get back to work.

I plan to start "Rockin Body" this Monday and get back to healthy eating. My dad also got me a Kinect with Zumba Rush for Christmas so I'll give that a whirl as well. I was pushing myself too hard and kept myself from slipping up so unrealistically and impractically that it fucking exploded in my face and on my waist. Oh well, lesson learned, move on... You have to let yourself fuck up now and then. But there is one thing I must iterate... I absolutely loathe the word "indulge"! Not only does it just sound fat, its also because to me it means let yourself do what you know you shouldn't to the full extent. It actually means...

in·dulge
/inˈdəlj/
Verb
Allow oneself to enjoy the pleasure of: "we indulged in sundaes".
Become involved in (an activity, typically one that is undesirable or disapproved of): "indulge in gossip".
Synonyms
pamper - gratify

I don't want to become "involved" in or with my food. If I "indulge" in a cheat every now and then I feel like I'm being gluttonous. If I pop a Hershey's Kiss in my mouth once a week, hey fuck it... If I "indulge" in a pizza, coke, and cake every now and again, then I'm just being a slop-tart who is never going to change her habits. That kinda crap needs to be cut out of my diet COMPLETELY or at least be heavily modified into a healthy option. This past month I "overindulged" and I won't be doing it again!!! I want food to be eaten out of habit for nutrition. Not out of boredom for taste. Like, I wish I could just turn off the switch in my head that gives a damn about flavor, quantity, and presentation.

Since the holidays have began, I have felt sluggish and pissy. My skin looks like total ass. My hair is falling out. I can't sleep for shit. And I obviously look fatter. (Like period-bloat on a loop.) It's just not fuckin worth it. I know I have the willpower and the nuts to lose the weight I gained back and more with no problem. I'm not worried about that. I just have a fear that taking a month hiatus is going to become a regular thing and that's what I want to avoid the most. The weight fluctuation is bad enough but I can't imagine the damage I have done in one month to my poor stomach. The thought that I have stretched it back out to capacity terrifies me. I have 55 lbs to lose sans whatever I may have put back on during this last month. That is not a lot considering I lost 45 in 3 1/2 months. I can do it. I just have to eliminate temptation and find that crazy motivation again. Slowly but surely I'm getting there but it's not like before when I just randomly woke up one morning and said "Fuck this!" I want THAT motivation back!

I know I'll get down to my goal weight. It's one of the few things that I want for myself and I know it's attainable. Some people spend their life wanting nothing more than assloads of money and fancy houses and I admit, those things are nice, but I just want to improve myself, raise my boys to be amazeballs, find a nice (sane) dude to spend some time with, and live a long healthy and happy life. All these things I can do, if I just stay on track...

(Picture this little fucker with a pony tail and there I am...)

Losing Motivation...

It's been awhile and a lot has happened. I am officially/legally divorced. I was having a hard time with it but once I got passed my final hearing I actually felt a lot better. That wasn't the case leading up to that point. I was having bad dreams when I actually was able to sleep, I was worried because I really didn't know what to expect since we did all of this without lawyers, I was dealing with a lot of emotional issues and anger... It was just a bad time. I started neglecting my house, avoiding dealing with some of my sons behavior issues, and neglecting myself again. Totally backslid. I have binged a few times, I have skipped workouts, and basically let myself do things I previously refused to do anymore. (Funny thing is, I binged on healthy stuff to the point it wasn't healthy anymore. I didn't go out and cram cheeseburgers into my face.) I'm really trying to get my shit back together but am seriously lacking in motivation lately. I know that carrying on and taking care of myself are what's best for me but I just feel so blah lately. 3 pounds worth of blah and carelessness and I just feel yucky. I wish I could just kick myself in the ass and stay on track. I'm really trying to get back into goal mode. I don't want to feel or look like this. Major bad times are over and I'm free to move forward so why am I being such a lazy sack of shit right now??? Even as I speak I just feel lethargic and winded. I don't like it! I gotta get my shit together!!! I'm so close to breaking my first goal I can't drop anchor now. I need motivation! Help???

BIG REVEAL...

(SO EMBARRASSING!)

 

Well, I know it's taken forever and I am already 1/2 way into my second cycle of month one of Insanity but here are my before and afters. Took me awhile to put them here on my blog because my littlest little likes to turn my computer on and off repeatedly and my computer malfunctions a buttload because of that. I lost the ones i had initially taken after a restoere so I had to have my dad take them again. (He's already busted the childproof lock I put on the cabinet. LOL)

DAY 1:

 

 

 

NOW:

 

My starting weight and BMI were 249.2 lbs/40.2. My weight and BMI at the end of the first cycle of Insanity was 218.8 lbs/35.3. And my current weight and BMI are 212.2 lbs/34.3.

I am very surprised at the difference. At  first, I couldn't see anything. I guess we never really see ourselves as we are. When I was mega fat, i couldn't see it. Now that I've lost some weight, I still have problems seeing it in the mirror. These pics are the only things that show me what I'm doing is working. It's hard to be objective, I guess.

SIDE BY SIDE:

 

 

 

 

 

So there you have it. 37.1 lbs down. I still have about 62 lbs to go till I hit goal weight but I am very happy with my results thus far and am extremely confident that I will make it. I'm finally at a point in my life that I am ready for some positive, permanent changes and this is only the beginning... :)

 

 

Bad Day/ Bad Decisions/ Bad Feelings

Today I did one thing I promised myself I would not to. I let my anger jeopardize my goals. I cheated on my diet. I let my ex get to me and then proceeded to eat something I shouldn't have. Mind you, it would not have even been in my house had he not brought it here but I could have put it in the trash instead of my mouth.

My ex came over to visit my kids. He brought them junk food, as usual, cause he's the absentee "cool dad" while I'm the evil bitch who feeds my kids Veggies and makes them take multi-vitamins. I recently received our divorce paperwork back that had been filed and endorsed and gave him his copies plus our orders to attend legally mandated parenting classes regarding divorce. He decided to tell me he isn't going and they can't make him. Well, true, they can't "make him" but they can fine him and make stipulations that his visitation be supervised if he doesn't attend. In our state, unless waived for disability, it is legally mandatory to attend if ordered by a judge, which we were. He just got uppity with me and it really made me mad. I don't want him doing anything that can stall this divorce or cause the judge to decide it isn't non-contested. (He likes to lie and/or backtrack a lot, and most of the time it's for his own amusement and at someone else's expense. My biggest fear right now is he will do something to fuck this up because he knows I can't afford it and because he sees the kids as possessions instead of people who's best interests should be protected.) I have done everything with the divorce. The paperwork, the filing, fee waivers, child support appointments, etc. He acts extremely put out because he has to drive 40 minutes to come sign paperwork with a notary. For him to puff up his chest and start with his know-it-all attitude really makes me want to put his face through a wall. As usual he's sitting pretty while someone else is doing everything and the least he can do is go to one parenting class, for one hour with his god damned mouth shut. We could have been fucking rid of each other ages ago if he wasn't such a lazy prick!

Anyways, I ate 2 chicken nuggets and 4 French fries from McDonalds and I also had a piece of French bread. This probably doesn't seem like anything to you, and might border on ridiculous, but it bothers me. Not because of what it is but because of why I did it. I let someone who has jeopardized and ruined so much for me get to me to the point that I could have jeopardized my goals. I know it's not a major setback and I'm not going to gain 10 pounds over this. I know I can easily workout a little harder to eliminate the mistake. I just wished I hadn't let anything that this asshole said bother me in any way. I should know better by now that he is just a bad person who likes to bait and pick on people. I compromised something I want because I let his presence and his negativity have power over me.

In a perfect world, if I could keep him away forever, I totally would. Unfortunately, this world and situation are far from perfect and I'm not going to be the reason my kids have no relationship with their dad. He's ruining that all on his own and I won't ever have my kids look at me like it was my fault or think that I did something to keep their father away. The most I can hope for is that he'll lose interest and go away on his own and maybe one day I might possibly find a man that treats my kids and I the way we deserve to be treated. If not, nbd. I'm more than enough mommy and daddy for the both of them! One day, when they're grown, they'll see him for what he really is and realize that when he could have been there for them, he selfishly wasn't.

Anyways, I know I'm not super woman and mistakes happen but I don't want to be the person who says "Oh it's just a slip up, it happens." And then see that nothing happens from one mistake but then let myself have another slip, and another until I'm back at my heaviest wondering where I went wrong. I am a stress eater and I can definitely say that being married to him was a large factor in me getting as heavy as I did. I don't want to be that person anymore. I don't want to reach for crap to stuff into my gob every time something gets to me. One of my main motivations for pursuing my weight loss goals is to get back to where I was happy. To change my habits so I can lead a productive life again.

For the last 8 years, I have been completely alone. (One of these days, I'll post a blog on the details of my extremely unconventional marriage because I always really confuse people when discussing it.) I haven't been doing anything other than raising children, which I wouldn't change for the world, but I have no other identity besides being a mommy. I have no irl friends anymore and I stay home all the time. I love my kids and I wouldn't change being their mother for anything. At the same time, I would like to do more with myself than be constantly wiping tiny asses and cleaning my house all day long. I don't see anything happening for myself if I don't get healthy and fit. How can my mood or my outlook change if I can't get to a place where I truly love myself?

See what one little cheat can do for a person like me? It makes me question everything. It makes me feel guilty. It puts me in a position that makes me feel like a hypocrite because I hate seeing people cheat on diets and then allow themselves permission with excuses. Like I said, I could have thrown it in the trash and it is totally my fault. My ex pissed me off but I was the one who decided to eat something that was bad for me. (I didn't even really want it in the first place.) And no, it's not like I ate a whole pizza or drank a gallon of bacon grease. But is there really much of a difference? A compromise is still a compromise whether it's big or small.

Insanity (Cycle 1) Done!

I completed Insanity, from start to finish! I lost a total of 30.4lbs in 63 days. Unfortunately, I do not know how many inches because I did not take them in the beginning. I did, however, go from a tight size 22 jean size to a loose size 18 jean size, and my xl and xxl shirts are hanging off me like crazy when, sadly, they used to be tight. Here are some stats that I can give you from the day i finished, though...

SBMI: 40.2
CBMI: 35.3
GBMI: 22.5

SW: 249.2
CW: 218.8 (217.6 as of yesterday.)
GW1: 199
GW2: 160
UGW: 145/150

I am very very proud of myself. I still have quite a ways till I reach my goal but I will get there!

Right now, I'm a bit bloated from "lady bidness" but as soon as I'm not I will post my after photos. I've already started my second cycle of Insanity but I don't think it will affect the photos all that much. I'm really excited to see how much I'll lose this time around. I feel myself getting stronger and building endurance. (Had I not quit smoking and drinking 2 years ago, I may not have even been able to get to this point.) I feel like my life is finally starting to take a positive course. I'm fixing myself, my 6 year old is doing a lot better, my divorce will be final soon, I have more energy and drive to complete tasks and do do fun activities with my children. It's just amazing what has come from me deciding to embark on this journey.

If you can take away anything from reading this I hope it's that if i can so it, you can do it too! If you really want it and are ready for it, you can be the change that makes the difference in your own life no matter what anyone says!

Trying to right the wrongness...

Lately, I have not been feeling well. :( During this last leg of Insanity I have found that I'm not able to keep up the way I was and its starting to feel like I have lead weights strapped to my legs. I don't know if this is normal or if this is what comes along with being so obese while doing a high impact workout. Some this is wrong with my left foot, my lower back to the left side, and my knees. I'll give you the skinny on each...

-Foot: I have a sharp stabbing pain in the center of my foot. Wrapping it made it hurt worse. Elevating it has done nothing. Ibuprofen doesn't help. Stretching it doesn't either. It hurts like a bitch. And it's random as hell. It doesn't bother me when I'm working out but burns when I'm sitting or walking normally.
-Back: It feels like I slipped a disk combined with sciatica. I've had my back go out before, slipped disks, and pinched nerves. These are all old problems that spawn from a horseback riding injury. They have always been amplified because of my weight. Now that I'm doing something to take the weight off and it's blowing up in my face.
-Knees: They get sore. (Obviously thats going to happen with nearly 75 lbs of unnecessary weight on them, but shit!) Not only that, they creak/grind/crunch. I actually took a video on my cell phone of me just bending and flexing my knee and it sounds like someone is grinding their teeth. I'm worried I'm wearing down my cartilage. I don't know if that's possible in only 2 months but it still scares me.

I am looking into a comprehensive wellness center for treatment and am going to call tomorrow to see if they accept my insurance. I hope I can be seen before I start Insanity over again in 2 weeks. I don't want to go and find out that I need to rest for a week or some shit and totally fuck up my progress. I don't really want to take it easy or slow either. That will just whittle down any endurance or strength that I have gained since starting my diet and exercise routine. Plus, I know resting on my ass, diet or not, will just start retaining weight again and that prospect sucks!

Besides those things, I think I might not be getting enough fiber or something is wrong with my plumbing. (TMI WARNING) Earlier today when I was peeing, my right side started hurting. Like a dull stabbing pain. Now it's just sore. And I'm also having some difficulty with #2 but that's gross and I don't want to go into detail about taking a dump. I just feel super bloated and nauseous and like I can't get everything out. It sucks and makes me feel like I'm carrying around 15 extra lbs.

I just generally feel like crap right now, when I should be feeling really good about myself. I have lost a tremendous amount of weight for such a short time and I feel like I can't enjoy it because something or other always hurts. It's a little discouraging.

I'm not going to give in though. I just want to get help and get all this crap fixed so I can carry on with my life and my weight loss. I guess it's just another obstacle I have to conquer. I know getting fit and healthy isn't easy. I just wish is wasn't so damn hard.

This is how I feel right now...

I can see the difference now...

So, I finally have my pictures from month one done. (Sorry it took forever. I had to go buy a new keyboard for my computer because mine totally crapped out and I couldn't log into my pc.) I am extremely surprised by the difference I can see now and very happy. Check em out...

Day 1 vs. Day 30

 

 

What do you all think??? Its been one month and I am sooooo proud of myself! I know I'm still really big but I'm on my way.

 

In other news, I experienced a weird setback this past week. About 4 days ago, my weight spiked 2.5 pounds for no reason. I did not cheat on my diet or do anything different other than start the 2nd month of Insanity. It really frustrated me and I'm still clueless as to what happened. My lersbian lovOAR suggested water weight from ovulation so there's a theory but I don't like it!!! It discouraged me so much that I have been obsessively weighing myself, which i know doesn't help anything. I guess I have to just deal with it and lose 2.5 lbs of mystery fat in addition to what I have left to lose.

 

I know that I'm going to have the occasional setback and that crap like this will happen but I guess I just figured it wouldn't if i was really good or it wouldn't be so soon. I hope this isn't something that regularly occurs with exercise. I get myself butthurt really easily and don't want to become too preoccupied with a pound or two when things like this happen. (I'm already way too concerned with my weight as it is and mostly not for the right reasons.) I think I need to hide my scale for a week.

 

Anyways, i have a couple questions for you other weight loss warriors...

 

1. My knee pain has gone away but I have developed a sharp nagging pain in my foot. It's persistent and has been bothering me for a week now. The only time it doesn't is when I'm working out. Any clues as to what it is? Or is it my foot just telling me to fuck off for putting so much strain on it lately?

2. Do you occasionally experience mystery setbacks? How do you cope with them without becoming obsessive?

3. I have been thinking of making myself a reward list. Like if I lose x amount of pounds, I get y gift. Is this good motivation or should I just strive for the weight loss itself. (My dad told me when I hit 200 lbs, he'd buy a new wardrobe. Then when I hit 150, he'd do it again.) I like the idea of rewards. Why do you think I put sparkly stickers on my calendar chart instead of marking days off with pen??? LOL, i just don't want to motivate myself for these things and then after I get them fall into the same bad habits.

4. I'm getting kinda tired of eating the same old stuff everyday. Anyone have any really good recipes or sites I can visit to find low carb/low fat/ low cal meal options? I've looked at a few but they seem to be following  certain fad diet trends. I just want to eat as healthy as possible, considering I have to eat 5 times a day.

5. I know stress contributes to weight gain and increased cortisol levels. What do you do to unwind or de-stress? I have a short fuse and get pissed easily and frequently. I really want to work on this. Not only to benefit my weight loss but to have a happier home for my family. i would like in the moment suggestions as well as long term. Any thoughts???

 

Well, that's about it for now. If you don't want to post on here or IG, my email address is rubyknucklesinc@yahoo.com. Feel free to contact me with any suggestions you have. I'd really appreciate any input. :)