Introductions...

My name is Raven and I'm fat! Not skinny girl, pinch-a-piece-of-skin, cute, fat. I am what is known, and clinically classified, as morbidly obese. Nice name, huh? Basically, "You're gonna fucking die!" fat. I haven't always been this way but I have never been fit either. I just turned 30 years old, 5'5.5", and am currently tipping the scales at 245lbs. My current BMI is 32 and i need to drop a whole small person (approx. 90lbs) to get to some semblance of healthy. Now, I could blame this on many things... I had my second child in 2011, I have a slow metabolism, I can't find the time to work out, blah blah blah. The truth is I don't exercise and instead of eating regular meals, I snack all day and eat only one meal in the evening. (Medically speaking, though, I do believe I need to have my thyroid tested. I have very little energy, physical symptoms of hypothyroidism, and insomnia/sleep disturbances.)

That aside, I have just let myself go. It's not that I don't care about my appearance, because what woman, at any age, doesn't??? Anyone can say "I'm just happy to be me." but deep inside everyone wants to feel like they are pretty or thin, or that they somewhat fit into the niche of what society considers desirable and attractive. In all honesty, I always wanted to be the girl that everyone is jealous of and all the guys chase. Now that I've grown up a bit, i want to be the girl you don't see coming. The one that you see Mrs. Perfect lose the hot, yet sensitive and loyal, man to, lol.

Besides all this vanity, I want to be around till I'm a batshit crazy, old, cat lady. More for my kids than anything. I have 2 little boys, aged 6 1/2 and 17 months, that I have trouble keeping up with. I am separated, waiting for a divorce, from their dad and have been taking care of them by myself basically since they were born. It has never been a happy marriage or pleasant family situation. All they really have is me, and I them. What's gonna happen to my kiddos if I can't get my shit together and do something to improve my health??? Ugh, I don't even want to think about that! If I don't do something now, best bet is I will keep gaining and probably shorten my lifespan about 20-40 years. Not only will I be doing that but I'll be short changing my kids big time! How many years do I have left to teach them things and play and interact with them before they turn into grouchy, butthole, teenagers who don't want to be seen with their mother, lol. It's such a short time till babies turn into men with their own lives and families. And they don't really have a father to do active things with. (They have their Grandpa but he's 75 years old and there is only so much he can give. Believe me, that stubborn old man tries his damnedest, though!)

There's so many reasons for me to change my current situation and not one to keep it the same. It's time to overhaul my life. To adopt new habits! To get my lard ass off the damn couch! To buy a super-skinny, tight pair of retardedly expensive jeans and be able to get the legs on past my thighs! To be able to spin in circles with my excessively hyper 6 year old and not puke all over myself or pass out! To make the girls who made fun of me in high school, yet weigh almost as much as I do now, feel like total shitbags! To eat for sustenance not boredom! To be able to chase my little baby around the house when he tugs on me to play with him. And most importantly, to let the trapped person I really am out of this prison of a body. I don't want to look like anyone but me. Just the healthy and exuberant me that has been banging a can on bars made of cellulite for the last 10 years. It's a new year and God damn it, I WILL LOSE WEIGHT!!!