Oh fuuuuudddddddgggggggeeeeee......

I started Insanity yesterday. I did the fit test and it was harder than a drag queens wiener at a M.A.C. counter!!! But I did it!

I did day 2 this morning and I nearly started crying/hyperventilating in the middle of the workout. I did have to stop a few times, which is normal and suggested, but I did it!

I'm using the nutrition guide as well. The food is pretty good even though I have to eat soooo flippin much. I really thought it was no big deal and that I would still be hungry but hell no! I didn't even want to finish my sandwich the morning. (I did, though. Lol, old habits die hard.) And I have had nothing but water so far. I hope to drink one gallon a day.

So far, I'm sore as hell, I smell like a foot dipped in shit, I don't want to eat, and I'm still seriously lightheaded. But you know what??? IT FEELS FUCKING GREAT!!!

I'm not tired, I don't feel sluggish, I feel awake/alert, and I'm not in a foul mood like I usually am. I was still sweating my ass off an hour after I finished the DVD.

This is proving to me that nothing is impossible if you want it badly enough!!! I have been inspired by a few people but I actually took the initiative and motivated myself. When I wanted to stop in the workout I surprised myself. As cheesy and unbelievable as it sounds, instead of saying "Forget this shit!" when i felt like i was going to pass out, I said "I can do this!" and I kept going. It really is hard, I'm not going to lie. I'm a big old fat person so this is no fucking picnic for me but even the people in the video struggle and stop and they're fit as hell. You just have to ask yourself how badly you want it. I want this sooo bad I can taste it. It's bitter, salty, and resembles the flavor of balls but I WANT IT! And I will do it!!!

150lbs, here the fuck I come! WATCH OUT!!!

Hey, Hey, Hey...

Tomorrow is the big day! I will finally start my diet and begin Insanity. I shouldn't really call it a diet since I am hoping to adopt lifelong habits that will keep me fit and healthy.

I kinda got some perspective as to we're I have been heading today. I figured I would eat junk one last time as a farewell. I ate pizza and a slice of red velvet cake. (Ugh, I'm not even gonna say how many pieces of pizza I ate. Bleck!) I admit they we're good but I felt so sick and weighed down after. It tastes so good when I'm stuffing my gob but after I feel disgusting, nauseous, and guilty. It really was bad! After that meal, I'm pretty sure I'm not going to be missing out on much when I'm thinner and fitter.

Then, I took my "before" photos. They seriously made me wanna barf and then beat the shit out of myself for letting me get this fuckin fat! I let my gut hang out and everything. (Don't worry, I will put them up on here once upload them to my pc.) Just call me Moby Dick, the great white whale. And I have cankles and bingo wings!!! I'm only 30 for Christ sakes! I can't keep going on like this if I want to have any sort of descent life. (Seriously, I look like an albino version of Fat Albert!)

Anyways, enough self-deprecation. Tomorrow is a new day! I went grocery shopping today and my dad got me a new pair of sneakers as encouragement. I also got a heart rate monitor. I want to make sure I'm pushing myself as hard as I can but I'm not hurting myself. (I passed out once in high-impact step aerobics because I went balls out and pushed myself way beyond my means.)

My groceries consist mostly of fresh fruits and vegetables, lean meats, high protein/low fat foods. A lot of stuff I normally don't eat is now in my kitchen. We generally eat healthy meals but have snacks that wouldn't be considered wholesome. I also have an extreme sensitivity to the albumin in eggs so I don't eat them. My dad and kids do but I haven't been physically able to for years. Its to the point where I have been bed ridden from pain just trying to eat eggs alone and I get bad gas. Yes, I know tmi but I have a point. I bought Beano (Go ahead and laugh.) to try to acclimate myself to eating eggs again because I need the protein. I can't do this with all the foods I'm allergic to but I figured I could try with the eggs. Why the hell have chickens for fresh organic eggs if I can't even eat any of them?

I'm hoping I can incorporate my diet changes into how I prepare family meals. My eldest loves to boast that he doesn't eat vegetables like its cool. I don't know who he's trying to impress. It bugs the crap out of me because I didn't teach him that and I make sure that even though he gets junk food occasionally that he takes multivitamins, eats fruits & veggies, and drinks milk. My little one seems as though he's starting to become picky as to what he eats as well. He's still breastfeeding at 17 months so I'm not worried about him losing weight or anything like that, I just don't want him to pick up bad habits so early. I am so thankful that he's still on the boob but how great can the quality of my milk be if I eat crap? He's started rejecting veggies lately and I don't know if that's cause he's teething or if he thinks they suck ass. I just figured I need to make better decisions for all of us. Why should I feed myself things I wouldn't feed my kids and visa versa???

Well, I'm pretty sure I'm just rambling so i'll cram it for now. Hope this post isn't too all over the place. Just wanted to keep you updated but I gotta wash dishes and get ready for bed. Nighty night!

Roll Call...

This is a list of some of the methods I have tried, temporarily succeeded with, and failed to lose weight with. Figured I'd share so you all would know I'm not blowing smoke up your ass when I say I have tried everything.

- South Beach Diet (30lbs lost)

- Rx Phentermine w/ Calorie Counting, Portion Control, Alli Supplements and Walking (50lbs lost)

- Slim Fast and Starvation and Swimming (30lbs lost)

- Metaformin and Armor Thyroid (15lbs lost)

- Walking and Diet/Portion Control (15lbs lost)

- Surgery Diet (10lbs lost)

- Apple Cider Vinegar Cleanse (0lbs lost)

- Dexatrim (0lbs lost)

- Protein Boost Diet (Gained 6lbs)

- Gym 30-45 Minutes Daily for 5 Months (12lbs lost)

- Glycemic Index Diet (0lbs lost)

- Low Carb/No Sugar Diet (18lbs lost)

- Swimming (EOD) 2 months (10lbs lost)

-Alli Weight Loss Supplements alone (15lbs lost)

These are just some of the things I have done over the last 10-15 years that I can recall offhand. (I'm positive there were many more.) Some had amazing results but plateaued. Some sucked and made me sick. Some i just quit because i got lazy. One i gave up on because of the depression i fell into after my sister-in-law died. And a couple were nothing more than gimmicky bullshit that wasted my time.

This little list can give some people a good I idea as to what I've put my body through over the years. Nothing had lasting result cause I never kept pushing. (One actually caused me physical detriment that I had to see a cardiologist over.) I did these things with a short term goal in mind and not a life change. It's been really hard to get so close to a goal and the flush it all down the toilet or let personal struggles and tragedies cloud what was important.

I'm 245lbs now so you can see that nothing lasts without persistence and constant work.

It's only 2 months...

Sooooo, a couple months ago, in one of my insomnia-induced tv trances, I stumbled upon a infomercial that has haunted my fat ass like no other. INSANITY! For an hour, I sat and watched this sweat-drenched, chocolate, titan bounce around the screen telling me to "dig deeper" and that he could help me look like a better version of myself. I was like "FUCK YEAH! LET'S DO THIS!" I seriously got way too excited and spilled my water all over my crotch trying to grab my phone to order. Then I saw the price and was like "Oh well, nevermind. Now where's that candy bar?"

After that, i have repeatedly been told that it's impossible and no one really ever gets through it. (Why are people so negative??? Whats the point of discouraging someone who wasn't going to do it in the 1st place? Buttholes!) Still, I couldn't shake the what-ifs. I seriously became obsessed with the infomercial to the point that I would auto tune it on my cable box. Psycho much?

I started going online looking at before and after photos, reading success stories, and watching transformation videos on YouTube. I got to the point where I started telling myself "What the hell is wrong with you? Buy it fucktard!" Everything I was exposing myself to was telling me that I NEEDED these DVDs. Price be damned. And it's not like I can't afford them. I don't hardly ever spend money on myself. If they could motivate me to change my life then they would be worth every penny, right???

So after a while, I told a couple friends, who I love and couldn't live without (shout-out bitches!), that I was thinking about trying insanity but was scared and worried about the cost. One friend offered to lend me the DVDs. I was like "Awesome! Thanks!" but deep down inside something started stirring. My inner fat kid (not much different from the outer one, I just have bigger boobs and a deeper voice) started shitting bricks. This was becoming a reality and no matter how gung ho I was getting something was dead set on holding me back. Some small, fucked up, part of my mind was saying "You can't do it!" Money was my first excuse. Now Mind Fatty (that's what we'll call her) was throwing in that it will hurt cause the lard I've been lugging around for the better part of a decade has jacked up my joints. Then she threw in a little "You won't have time!" And she seemed extremely partial to a "You're not going to be able to keep up./ It'll be too tiring!" combo. It was becoming too much and I was starting to chicken out again.

Then...

My crazy ass, overly cynical, slightly disturbed, set-in-his-bitter-old-fucking-ways, dad joined me in watching the infomercial. He usually changes the channel or just yells bullshit, among other profanities and slurs at the television, but he sat there quietly and watched. I noticed him watching it and then watching me so I started talking to him about it. I don't know if he was impressed by my enthusiasm or if he genuinely believed that these DVDs could help me but he was extremely supportive and told me to go for it! He knows I've struggled with my weight the majority of my life. His positivity caught me off guard and gave me the shove I needed. He's usually grumpy, yelling at inanimate objects, cursing god, or ready to choke the invisible motherfucker that follows him around showering him with shitty luck but at that moment he was doing what good dads do. Supporting me whether he thought it was a crock of shit or not.

Then... (Lol)

I closed my eyes and told that bitch Mind Fatty to go fuck herself! I can do it! It will hurt! Most worthwhile things do! I have more than enough time. I'm a stay at home mom who usually sleeps till noon when my 6 year old isn't in school. My house is usually clean and my kids are tended to so
how the hell will I not have time??? I have time to sit on the couch and obsessively watch the same infomercial over and over again, don't I? It will be tiring and maybe I won't be able to keep up but I will never know unless I try. Even if I can't keep up, I can build up my stamina and endurance until I can. I just had to give myself some serious perspective to get past all the shit I was using to hold myself back.

What has made the most difference is that I was thinking about the end instead of the beginning. I kept focusing on what I want instead of what I need. I want an easy solution and a hot body without absolutely no effort. How realistic is that? Might as well ask for a million dollars while I'm at it. What I need is something I have to bust my ass for and earn. Something that hurts but shows me results.

So I called and ordered the dvds. (I thought i wouldn't hold myself as accountable if i borrowed them and could return them anytime if i just gave up.) They actually arrived this afternoon. I haven't watched them and don't plan on doing them till Monday. I'm going to do some serious stretching over the weekend to help my body prepare. I know I'm going to be sore as hell so might as well give myself a little head start. I also have to go get some groceries so I can follow the nutritional guide that came in the package. It looks super legit and makes a lot of sense. Right now, more than anything, I'm building myself up and trying to boost my confidence. I know I can get through these DVDs. If I puke on myself, pee on myself, cry hysterically, end up a partial cripple from soreness, etc. I will crawl over broken glass if I have to, to push play on the DVD player everyday!

Even if this shit doesn't work, it's only 2 months...

Introductions...

My name is Raven and I'm fat! Not skinny girl, pinch-a-piece-of-skin, cute, fat. I am what is known, and clinically classified, as morbidly obese. Nice name, huh? Basically, "You're gonna fucking die!" fat. I haven't always been this way but I have never been fit either. I just turned 30 years old, 5'5.5", and am currently tipping the scales at 245lbs. My current BMI is 32 and i need to drop a whole small person (approx. 90lbs) to get to some semblance of healthy. Now, I could blame this on many things... I had my second child in 2011, I have a slow metabolism, I can't find the time to work out, blah blah blah. The truth is I don't exercise and instead of eating regular meals, I snack all day and eat only one meal in the evening. (Medically speaking, though, I do believe I need to have my thyroid tested. I have very little energy, physical symptoms of hypothyroidism, and insomnia/sleep disturbances.)

That aside, I have just let myself go. It's not that I don't care about my appearance, because what woman, at any age, doesn't??? Anyone can say "I'm just happy to be me." but deep inside everyone wants to feel like they are pretty or thin, or that they somewhat fit into the niche of what society considers desirable and attractive. In all honesty, I always wanted to be the girl that everyone is jealous of and all the guys chase. Now that I've grown up a bit, i want to be the girl you don't see coming. The one that you see Mrs. Perfect lose the hot, yet sensitive and loyal, man to, lol.

Besides all this vanity, I want to be around till I'm a batshit crazy, old, cat lady. More for my kids than anything. I have 2 little boys, aged 6 1/2 and 17 months, that I have trouble keeping up with. I am separated, waiting for a divorce, from their dad and have been taking care of them by myself basically since they were born. It has never been a happy marriage or pleasant family situation. All they really have is me, and I them. What's gonna happen to my kiddos if I can't get my shit together and do something to improve my health??? Ugh, I don't even want to think about that! If I don't do something now, best bet is I will keep gaining and probably shorten my lifespan about 20-40 years. Not only will I be doing that but I'll be short changing my kids big time! How many years do I have left to teach them things and play and interact with them before they turn into grouchy, butthole, teenagers who don't want to be seen with their mother, lol. It's such a short time till babies turn into men with their own lives and families. And they don't really have a father to do active things with. (They have their Grandpa but he's 75 years old and there is only so much he can give. Believe me, that stubborn old man tries his damnedest, though!)

There's so many reasons for me to change my current situation and not one to keep it the same. It's time to overhaul my life. To adopt new habits! To get my lard ass off the damn couch! To buy a super-skinny, tight pair of retardedly expensive jeans and be able to get the legs on past my thighs! To be able to spin in circles with my excessively hyper 6 year old and not puke all over myself or pass out! To make the girls who made fun of me in high school, yet weigh almost as much as I do now, feel like total shitbags! To eat for sustenance not boredom! To be able to chase my little baby around the house when he tugs on me to play with him. And most importantly, to let the trapped person I really am out of this prison of a body. I don't want to look like anyone but me. Just the healthy and exuberant me that has been banging a can on bars made of cellulite for the last 10 years. It's a new year and God damn it, I WILL LOSE WEIGHT!!!