1st blog of 2013 - Uh oh...

Ok... So since Thanksgiving, I have pretty much stopped working out and dieting. Like totally fucking flaked on everything. I haven't weighed myself since before Christmas but I'm pretty sure I've gained 6-10 lbs back. I'm not proud but I'm not upset either. Insanity started getting really boring, I have been going through some personal family shit, and I just plain needed a me break. Should I have gone overboard just cause its the holidays and I was feeling bad? No, but what am I gonna do? Cry and make excuses? No! I stuffed my face cause I wanted to. Now that its out of my system, I can get back to work.

I plan to start "Rockin Body" this Monday and get back to healthy eating. My dad also got me a Kinect with Zumba Rush for Christmas so I'll give that a whirl as well. I was pushing myself too hard and kept myself from slipping up so unrealistically and impractically that it fucking exploded in my face and on my waist. Oh well, lesson learned, move on... You have to let yourself fuck up now and then. But there is one thing I must iterate... I absolutely loathe the word "indulge"! Not only does it just sound fat, its also because to me it means let yourself do what you know you shouldn't to the full extent. It actually means...

in·dulge
/inˈdəlj/
Verb
Allow oneself to enjoy the pleasure of: "we indulged in sundaes".
Become involved in (an activity, typically one that is undesirable or disapproved of): "indulge in gossip".
Synonyms
pamper - gratify

I don't want to become "involved" in or with my food. If I "indulge" in a cheat every now and then I feel like I'm being gluttonous. If I pop a Hershey's Kiss in my mouth once a week, hey fuck it... If I "indulge" in a pizza, coke, and cake every now and again, then I'm just being a slop-tart who is never going to change her habits. That kinda crap needs to be cut out of my diet COMPLETELY or at least be heavily modified into a healthy option. This past month I "overindulged" and I won't be doing it again!!! I want food to be eaten out of habit for nutrition. Not out of boredom for taste. Like, I wish I could just turn off the switch in my head that gives a damn about flavor, quantity, and presentation.

Since the holidays have began, I have felt sluggish and pissy. My skin looks like total ass. My hair is falling out. I can't sleep for shit. And I obviously look fatter. (Like period-bloat on a loop.) It's just not fuckin worth it. I know I have the willpower and the nuts to lose the weight I gained back and more with no problem. I'm not worried about that. I just have a fear that taking a month hiatus is going to become a regular thing and that's what I want to avoid the most. The weight fluctuation is bad enough but I can't imagine the damage I have done in one month to my poor stomach. The thought that I have stretched it back out to capacity terrifies me. I have 55 lbs to lose sans whatever I may have put back on during this last month. That is not a lot considering I lost 45 in 3 1/2 months. I can do it. I just have to eliminate temptation and find that crazy motivation again. Slowly but surely I'm getting there but it's not like before when I just randomly woke up one morning and said "Fuck this!" I want THAT motivation back!

I know I'll get down to my goal weight. It's one of the few things that I want for myself and I know it's attainable. Some people spend their life wanting nothing more than assloads of money and fancy houses and I admit, those things are nice, but I just want to improve myself, raise my boys to be amazeballs, find a nice (sane) dude to spend some time with, and live a long healthy and happy life. All these things I can do, if I just stay on track...

(Picture this little fucker with a pony tail and there I am...)